Humans: That made me puke. I’ll never do that again!
Dogs: That made me puke. I’m gonna get into it everyday this week!!
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Me: was your son fed?
Wife: yes.
Me: bathed?
Wife: yes.
Me: in bed on time?
Wife: yes.
Me: so I’m a “bad dad” why?
Wife: his pajamas.
Me: what about them?
Wife: THEY. DON’T. MATCH.
I cringe every time I think about that time I was enquiring about a stargazing event at an observatory and I accidentally asked if it was an all day event.
Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they’re building…
Me: what a great place to bury a body!
[child gets stuck in claw machine]
Me: [calls husband] “Hi honey, you’re not going to believe this, but I found us a babysitter for this evening.”
Just gave a homeless man $5 because I know what it’s like to be sober.
[first day as burglar]
me : OMG SNACKS
This book I found in my closet says to treat your spouse as you would on the first date, so I split the bill and dropped her off at her parents.
Me: I’m really worried about becoming a first time dad, I’m just so forgetful.
10yo daughter: You don’t need to tell me.
I missed your birthday because I didn’t log onto Facebook that day. #LetsBeReal
Nothing confuses me more than vegan mascara. Who is eating mascara?
When I was just little boy I asked my mother, what will I be? Will I be pretty? Will I be rich? And here’s what she said to me…
Maybe there is a secret third thing
Her: What did you get for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Drunk!
We have guests, go get the fancy cups.
Me: I got the birthday cake for our son
Wife: It says Happy 3rd Birthday Josh
Me: oh shit he’s gonna be 4 isn’t he
Wife: His name is Jake
This is a friendly reminder to go drink water you dehydrated bean
Genie: ok, this is your last wish
Me: Could you speak up a bit?
Genie: YOU IDIOT!
Googles: what to do with 100 dyed hard boiled eggs
Google: do you have any enemies?
“Blood, Sugar, Sex, Magik” is a classic Red Hot Chili Peppers album, and also Criss Angel’s shopping list.
Headache Protip:
Bang your toe into something.
Who cares about the new GTA when you can sit down and enjoy the new testament
I’d like to give a shout-out to the shower curtain, for always sticking by my side
i once dated a professional hockey player from Sweden and one night he called me and asked “you up?” so i drove over excited and when i got there he asked me if i could balance his checkbook.
“I drive like lightening.” “You drive fast?” “No. I hit trees.”
Today my grocery delivery guy mistakenly bought me plantains instead of bananas. After arduously explaining to him the difference between the two, we laughed to ourselves. A delicious faux pas and a classic mixup.
Anyway he’s dead now.
[Abruptly stops playing my banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME??
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
Woman love a men with good grammar
Make there knees week by writing them a love letter or too.
My 3 year old has been on the other side of the door knocking and making me “guess who” for five minutes. I’m usually pretty good at acting surprised time after time, but the glass door is really straining my theatrical skills.
Please sign my online petition to get Netflix to change “are you still watching” to “looking good nice pajamas”
[1863]
LINCOLN: Here’s what I have so far…”Eighty seven years ago our f—
MARY TODD: Wait, wait…Why don’t you use some whacky weird numbers