[first day in prison]
Hey new fish what you in for?
“Killed 4 people during a game of Mario Party”
*everyone backs away slowly*
Cigarettes only give you cancer if you let them. It’s called science. Maybe you’d know more about it if you read as many Yahoo Answers as me
Just heard a little boy call his mom “mother,” as if both had already accepted the fact that he’d become a serial killer some day.
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: …
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: *sits up in bed* Clark, you have x-ray vision. You know there’s no monster in the closet
Wolverine: You know what I can’t heal?
Jean: What Logan?
Wolverine: A broken heart*professor x starts laughing from the other room*
*Batman receives electric bill for Bat Signal*
“ALFRED WE’RE GETTING IPHONES.”
Jesus: Behold my powers.
*walks onto water and falls in*[back in heaven]
God: HAHAHAHAHA
Angel: HAHAHAHA “behold my powers”
God: HAHAHAHA
God spoketh unto Noah and The Lord sayeth “build an ark.” God spoketh once more and The Lord sayeth “Simon says build an ark” and it was so.
The year is 2020. Hip hop has fully merged with dubstep, creating the genre of music known as Dubhop. All hope for mankind is lost
[aliens talking]
“They call it a sel-fee”
A photograph of oneself?
“Sometimes several”
But why?
“We have one theory”
Go on
“They’re idiots”
Calling someone with glasses “four eyes” isn’t an insult. Know what else has four eyes? Two sharks. Now you feel stupid.
If you listen to a Miley Cyrus song backwards you can hear Satan refusing to have sex with her.
Guide to making everyone hate you:
Step 1) Turn your hat backwards
My favorite part of the Bible is when God gives humans free will, then kills them with a flood because they didn’t act the way he wanted.
If someone asks for advice, just tell em to follow their heart. No idea what that shit means but at least they’re not talking to you anymore