Was asked to work on a team project. Seems “I’d rather give a rabid mountain lion a prostate exam” was not the answer they were looking for.
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Me: *practicing selfie poses in the gym mirror*
Trainer: Ma’am, are you having a stroke?
Doctor: “You have a hip injury.”
Me: “I am very trendy.”
Hasbro is the only company that manufactures Monopoly. Think about that for a minute.
cop: omg they trashed your apartment
me: yes, it was them
7YR OLD: dad, why do feet smell but noses run?
ME: are…are you high right now?
assistant: sir, profits have decreased by 50%
shrink ray company CEO: excellent
gentlemen, we are gathered here today by my milkshake.
Turns out “V for Vendetta” is not an educational movie and it won’t teach your kids the alphabet
[police station]
Cop: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Suspect: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Cop: *mumbling* am not.
Throw a baby badger so high that when it lands on your enemy it’s fully grown and very upset. You left town years ago. The perfect crime.
Be nice to Canadians, American tweeters. We’re going to need somewhere to go after this next election
In hell, you wait for a ‘verify your email address’ email that never arrives.
Saw 2 of my kids hugging and then realized they were choking each other and was like, ok, that makes more sense.
Sailors who are unable to stop a ship properly are sent to 2 weeks of court-ordered anchor management.
*takes all the free samples from the deli counter*
~ adds Freelance Cheese Taster to my resumé
Waking kids up 1st day of school: hey sweeties time to wake up I made you a frittata, fruit salad, and freshly squeezed orange juice
Waking kids up for the second day of school: EVERYBODY UP WE’RE LATE GRAB A POP TART AND GOOOOO
My girlfriend told me to treat her like a princess. So i married her off to a random stranger to strengthen the alliance with France.
Marital Status: My husband is mad at me because I cheered for the wrong college football team.
The groom watches his bride slowly raise the hem of her beautiful lace gown in preparation for the garter game revealing a giant pair of shiny red clown shoes and suddenly the line about “in circus and in health” made perfect sense.
DRACULA: I vant to suck your blood.
ME: “Want.”
DRACULA: Vant.
ME: Wan—it’s a W.
DRACULA: Okay, my intent is clear, and the pronunciation is clearly cultural, so, this is starting to feel racist.
Due to market uncertainty my wife asked if we should move around our money and I agreed.
I jiggled the change in my pocket.
Did a collab with the legend @shenanigansen
A guy in my writing group is working on a piece about a superhero who is also a spy who is secretly a double agent. Nobody could convince him that a protagonist with six different names will confuse the hell out of his readers.
Elderly relative: If you receive a friend request from me on Facebook, don’t accept it.
Me: No kidding.
Her: Does your dog do any tricks?
Me: I taught him to lie on the bed
Her: That’s not impressive lol
Dog: *gets on bed* I wrote Harry Potter
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year. For Christmas can I get zero emails from the PTA, and just one a day from the school?
It isn’t enough to know you liked my tweet. I need a play by play. I want Twitter to tell me “Carl saw your tweet”. “Carl misinterpreted your tweet and had to read it again.” “Carl is now laughing at your tweet.”
Me: Are you mad at me?
Wife: Eventually.
“You hear from my lawyer?”
“He says he’s working on it, Stan.”
“I’m really losing it, Johnny.”
“Just be patient. You need anything?”
“Acorns, they’re like currency in here.”
Mediums are on the decline because no one from the past wants to talk to us anymore