Imagine being reincarnated as grass?
Smothered by snow. That melts and then you get trampled by kids at play, shit on by dogs, scorched by sun, flooded by rain, then once a week have your head chopped off.
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[first date]
Date: tell me something you’re were really good at as a kid.
Me: spelling bee.
Date: oh nice! do you still got it?
Me: b-e-e.
[commercial for college]
*person shoveling money into furnace*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better way?
the three best gummy flavors, together at last
“Rethink this?” buddy I didn’t even think this the first time
Have you ever accidentally ended a business call with “I love you?” Oh yeah me neither.
*Coats body in coffee grains
*Waits for osmosis to occur
My neighbours were loud and rowdy last night til 3:30, waking up our kids.
So now my husband is outside starting up the leaf blower and table saw at 9am, in case you wondered what middle class suburban feuds in Canada looked like.
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
spider: I need 4 pairs of pants
assistant: might I suggest, instead of pants, a dress
spider: I’ll give it a try
[later]
spider: *twirling in a billowy dress* I feel fantasticassistant: very attractive, sir
Doctors say eating a piece of Bacon takes 9 mins off your life…if my math is correct i died in 1781
me: “that sounds terrifying”
waitress:
me:
waitress: “what sounds terrifying?”
my wife: “he thinks you said ghost cheese not goats cheese”.
[1st date]
*hiding that I’m actually a Zamboni*Date: Now that we’ve broken the ice-
Me: *nervously sweats while rolling across the floor*
I haven’t cleaned my shower in so long, it’s becoming a terrarium. Absolutely gorgeous.
Calm down shouty museum man. I think it’s pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.
Me: I’m just feeling really overwhelmed right now by your constant need for my attention. And you’re being like super pushy and needy and, I mean, I’m sorry if you feel rejected or whatever but like this is something you need to work on without me. Ok?
Bill collector: Um.
I am never too old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.
Miniature Donkeys escaped out of the fence and are heading to town and I’m pretty sure the damn cat orchestrated the entire plan.
I hide the fact that I can’t swim by eating every 15 minutes.
Me: I’m so tired.
Phone: Put me down and go to sleep.
Me and Phone: HAHAHAHAHA!
I think tomorrow I’m going to respond to everyone using only lyrics from songs by The Dead Deads. Wish me some luck at the DMV.
My 2024 goal is just to make sure the aliens know I’m on their side.
Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (2004, R): Harold and Kumar go to White Castle
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
I’m at the age I need all the beauty sleep I can get. So naturally I’m not able to sleep.
*dog runs for president*
*dog sits for president*
*dog rolls over fo
Him: I have feelings for you.
Me: I’d rather you have cake for me.
“Sir can I ask you why you’re smoking TWO huge cops?”
Blunt, i’m
*turns to camera*
Doing this tweet wrong
*Blunt just stares in confusion*
When I was a kid and my dad was 40yo, I used to think he must be an old man who was practically almost dead.
Now that I’m nearing 40, I know the truth: I was right.
To the girl who said I should get off twitter and pay attention to my children, I want you to know I’m ignoring my husband, too.
“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”
…uhhhh, for driving in space?