Doctor: And how many partners have you had?
Danny Ocean: It varies by movie.
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Please pray for my 5yo who demanded I get him a glass of water because he’s “too thirsty to walk to the kitchen”.
I just got super defensive to my phone when i was cheating on the times crossword
I was like “hey! Maybe i just wanted to know who the protagonist of clan of the cave was for an entirely different reason!”
IT’S-A ME,
[First Date]
Paige Turner: I’ve been unlucky in love. I feel like people expect me to be more exciting
Cliff Hanger: Weird. I get that too
ME: (doing stand up)
GUY IN CROWD: BOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 2: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 3: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 4: what the-
GUY 5: he’s just eating those like Pac-Man
I accidentally knocked my client’s glasses off his face, so I gasped and said “Superman?!” but he didn’t laugh
When they try to steal your moment.
“You may now kiss the bride”
Wow this is the happiest day of-
*dad flies by in hot air ballon*
QUEEERR
*throws football at my head*
If two people meet and wind up in the bedroom and discover they’re both doms, do they just fight to the death?
I love it when companies with names like “Grandmas cookies” have ingredients like Thiamin mononitrate.
I remember waiting for the cookies to cool and licking the bromine off of the spoon. Good times.
I am thinking of watching a movie with my boyfriend. Can anyone recommend a good boyfriend?
Alcohol is generally the answer. Especially when the question is ‘why can’t I remember what the question is?’
I’d been waiting so long for my doc, when the assistant came out and called for Krokowski, I said right here, here I am and ran back before Krokowski knew what happened.
I’d choose @funTweeters over anti-depressants any day.
[calls God on phone]
Hi, can you come get me?
Me: WHO DREW ON THE WALL?!
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old: The dog.
can’t stop reading about defunct consumer brands
Her: You should drink in moderation
Me: Moderation?You makin words up?
H: You’re gonna piss on my lawn again aren’t you?
M: …In moderation
[First Date]
HER: I love dogs.
ME: [Trying to impress her] Waiter, give us your finest Labrador – medium rare.
I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
James is coming over.
“James from work or James who thinks he’s a leprechaun?”J: TOP O’ THE MORNIN’ TO YA!
“I’ll hide the Lucky Charms.”
🤣
I put sea salt on my seafood, so they can be reunited. Because I like happy endings.
If Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you tie enough balloons to your house, you will eventually find a dog.
To the person who wrote ‘Most likely to be attacked by a seagull’ in my high school yearbook…well played Sir, your prophecy was fulfilled today.
“Genetically modified food is very much safe for human consumption” the tomato on my plate reassuringly explained to me.
*steals all the clocks*
*has all the time in the world*
My uncle was found dead in his office last night by cleaning staff. I’m glad because he wore Crocs to my wedding in 2006.
I’ve been listening to the official workout station on Pandora for 3 months and I’m still fat, I’m calling bullshit.
What do people who ask, “do you think I am an idiot?” and get mad when we say “yes”, want from us?