Ffs laughed out loud 😂
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*holds seashell to ear*
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
Meanwhile in Portland…
I got plans this weekend. Release the sundresses!!!!
Just walked to the mailbox and the neighbor drove his riding mower into a ditch. I would’ve helped him out, but I wasn’t wearing pants.
I think my wife discovered that I opened a new bag of chips before the old one was finished. Just in case I suddenly disappear.
THERAPIST: What do u wish for?
WIFE [smiles at me] That we regain the passion & intimacy of our early years together
ME: A penguin butler
Will I understand This Too Shall Pass if I haven’t seen This One Shall Pass?
When a cop tells you to get out of your car, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you. Now I know.
That little rat from Ratatouille is under Pharrell’s hat pulling his hair to make him dance.
Bury me in a shirt that says “not a zombie” so I can trick everyone when I’m a zombie
You ever get out of the shower and forget to rinse the conditioner out of your hair?.. Yeah, me neither.
They should put a statue of me next to the Statue of Liberty so immigrants know the American Dream is hit or miss.
Oprah says we all have a small child inside of us longing to get out & omg why isn’t anyone talking about Oprah eating children?
🎵If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my gourds🎵
~ The Pumpkin Spice Girls
“Tim’s coming tonight”
“Tim with hooves for feet or Tim that likes to bang coconut halves together?”
[in the distance] clip-clop clip-clop
OUCH I HAVE A FOOT CRAMP
You’re dehydrated
[Walks on toes]
Drink some water
[Crawls on knees]
Drink water
[Lays on floor]
Water-
[Dies]
I’m just thankful that the presidential election doesn’t have a swimsuit portion.
Did it hurt when YOU fell from heaven?
If so, contact the law offices of Leon Molowitz, and get the monetary compensation you deserve!
Why do they call it a zoom meeting, and not a co-vid?
“And this is my creepy husband, John.”
(The way my friend should introduce her husband)
My eyesight is just terrible since having kids. I’m always seeing double. It’s a nightmare!
Optometrist: Ma’am you have identical twins…
I take back every tweet I’ve ever written bashing autocorrect. Tonight my husband brought home beers instead of beets and I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
You: “Call me crazy but..”
Me: “Okay, you’re crazy.
Wow-I’m really good at this!”
A sudden wind kicked up leaves and spun the rooftop weathervane, meaning somewhere in town two witches brought the same spinach dip to coven meeting AGAIN.
[uses Ant-Man tech to carry around a bunch of dogs in my pocket]
Hotel California reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Such a lovely place”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Plenty of room. Excellent check out”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Can’t leave”
I never realized that by my age, I would be so well educated in kitchen back splashes
Life begins and ends with diaper rash, so enjoy the time in between.
We carpeted our bathroom last night. My kid covered the entire floor with towels before their bath so same thing.