Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of notalogin's best tweets

@notalogin : My latest invention, spinal mascara, is creating a big backlash

@notalogin: [Being buried alive]
Guess I'm really living on…
*I knock-knock on coffin lid*
…burrowed time
Gravediggers: this is why

@notalogin: [Firing squad]
Sergeant: Blindfold?
Me: You promi—
Sergeant: Yes, yes, I promise nobody will tickle you

@notalogin: Me: I saved my friend from drowning
Wife: How? You can't even swim
Me: I shot him

@notalogin: Demon: This is Hell's library
-Seems...nice? Just looks like a library.
-Ok *opens* This is in Comic Sans!
*cackles* They all are!

@notalogin: Flight Attendant: Is anyone on this plane a doctor
*Hands shoot up*
FA: ...of love?
*I rise, resplendent in my leopard-print leisure suit*

@notalogin: Me, dying from machete attack: Someone—
My kids: What?
Me: Call the geek squad—
K: No!
Me: I've been hacked!
K: *run off to thank my killer*

@notalogin: [Grandma's funeral]

(Turning to friend) She knitted that whole coffin

@notalogin: Merlin: What now?

Lawyer: I'd advise you to turn yourself in to the police

Officer Merlin: Ok, and now?

@notalogin: The hair salon raised prices and now I can either afford a haircut or a recolor, but not both. Every visit is a do-or-dye decision.