You wanna buy some land? That’s asking for a lot.
PHYSICIST: There are infinite universes, more than you can imagine
ME: That means there exists a universe in which all my tweets are funny
PHYSICIST: Not that many
My latest invention, spinal mascara, is creating a big backlash
[Being buried alive]
Guess I’m really living on…
*I knock-knock on coffin lid*
Gravediggers: this is why
Me: You promi—
Sergeant: Yes, yes, I promise nobody will tickle you
Me: I saved my friend from drowning
Wife: How? You can’t even swim
Me: I shot him
Demon: This is Hell’s library
-Seems…nice? Just looks like a library.
-Ok *opens* This is in Comic Sans!
*cackles* They all are!
Flight Attendant: Is anyone on this plane a doctor
*Hands shoot up*
FA: …of love?
*I rise, resplendent in my leopard-print leisure suit*
Me, dying from machete attack: Someone—
My kids: What?
Me: Call the geek squad—
Me: I’ve been hacked!
K: *run off to thank my killer*
(Turning to friend) She knitted that whole coffin