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@notalogin : Me, dying from machete attack: Someone—
My kids: What?
Me: Call the geek squad—
Me: I've been hacked!
K: *run off to thank my killer*
@notalogin: [Grandma's funeral]
(Turning to friend) She knitted that whole coffin
@notalogin: Merlin: What now?
Lawyer: I'd advise you to turn yourself in to the police
Officer Merlin: Ok, and now?
@notalogin: The hair salon raised prices and now I can either afford a haircut or a recolor, but not both. Every visit is a do-or-dye decision.
@notalogin: Friend: Pics or it didn't happen
Friend: Ok, that doesn't actually clear anything up
@notalogin: What's your WiFi pw?
Yes; all lowercase.
It's all caps, but all lowercase.
Is there a Starbucks nearby?
@notalogin: My grandpa used to whip us grankids with his belt, but I know he did it out of love: he really loved whipping children.
@notalogin: Me: You should know I'm alliterate
Her: You mean illiterate?
Me: No, not necessessfully
@notalogin: Which of the f's in 'Jeff' is silent?
@notalogin: [My funeral]
Friend 1: So how did he die?
Friend 2: Mistaken identity
F1: What happened?
F2: He mistook himself for someone who could outrun a freight train