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Page of notalogin's best tweets

@notalogin : [Grandma's funeral]

(Turning to friend) She knitted that whole coffin

@notalogin: Merlin: What now?

Lawyer: I'd advise you to turn yourself in to the police

Officer Merlin: Ok, and now?

@notalogin: The hair salon raised prices and now I can either afford a haircut or a recolor, but not both. Every visit is a do-or-dye decision.

@notalogin: Friend: Pics or it didn't happen

Picasso: Here

Friend: Ok, that doesn't actually clear anything up

@notalogin: What's your WiFi pw?
kneeshowerbaseball
All caps?
Yes; all lowercase.
What?
It's all caps, but all lowercase.
Is there a Starbucks nearby?

@notalogin: My grandpa used to whip us grankids with his belt, but I know he did it out of love: he really loved whipping children.

@notalogin: Me: You should know I'm alliterate
Her: You mean illiterate?
Me: No, not necessessfully

@notalogin: Which of the f's in 'Jeff' is silent?

@notalogin: [My funeral]
Friend 1: So how did he die?
Friend 2: Mistaken identity
F1: What happened?
F2: He mistook himself for someone who could outrun a freight train

@notalogin: Date: I love chicken
Me [trying to impress]: I'm actually a HUGE coward