@notalogin

People say I’m self-centered, but the important thing is that they’re talking about me

@notalogin

My bike just got a flat tire, or, as they say in England, my bike just got an apartment tire

@notalogin

Don’t fight City Hall. It’s a building, you’re just gonna break your wrist.

@notalogin

[Me, in sign language, next to volcano]
The Earth soup is not for eating

@notalogin

PHYSICIST: There are infinite universes, more than you can imagine

ME: That means there exists a universe in which all my tweets are funny

PHYSICIST: Not that many

@notalogin

My latest invention, spinal mascara, is creating a big backlash

@notalogin

[Being buried alive]
Guess I’m really living on…
*I knock-knock on coffin lid*
…burrowed time
Gravediggers: this is why

@notalogin

[Firing squad]
Sergeant: Blindfold?
Me: You promi—
Sergeant: Yes, yes, I promise nobody will tickle you