The hair salon raised prices and now I can either afford a haircut or a recolor, but not both. Every visit is a do-or-dye decision.
Friend: Pics or it didn’t happen
Picasso: Here
Friend: Ok, that doesn’t actually clear anything up
What’s your WiFi pw?
kneeshowerbaseball
All caps?
Yes; all lowercase.
What?
It’s all caps, but all lowercase.
Is there a Starbucks nearby?
My grandpa used to whip us grankids with his belt, but I know he did it out of love: he really loved whipping children.
Me: You should know I’m alliterate
Her: You mean illiterate?
Me: No, not necessessfully
Which of the f’s in ‘Jeff’ is silent?
[My funeral]
Friend 1: So how did he die?
Friend 2: Mistaken identity
F1: What happened?
F2: He mistook himself for someone who could outrun a freight train
Date: I love chicken
Me [trying to impress]: I’m actually a HUGE coward
I wrote a screenplay
-No you didn’t
About our Savior
-Just stop
Opening Judea’s best ice cream shop
-Shut up
It’s Jesus Christ, Scooper Star
Pretty much everyone I’ve ever met has told me to stop exaggerating
Morpheus: take the blue pill, the story ends. Take the red pill, I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
Dog: (staring at gray pills) Crap
I think I speak for all of us when I say I’m being presumptuous.
What kind of doctor are you?
-Apathologist
A… pathologist?
-No, apathologist. People come to me when they need medical don’t care.
The average person swallows 8 spiders in their sleep but it’s actually one guy who’s chowing down like 7500 a night to make the numbers work
The order the Star Wars movies are being released is based on the order in which Yoda would count from one to nine.