First they came for the people who say “Awesome sauce,” and I said nothing, because, frankly, those people deserve it.
[Interview]
CEO: Why do you think you’d be a good fit at our firm?
GUY WHOSE DESCRIPTION IS SO LONG HE DOESN’T ACTUALLY GET TO SAY ANYTHING:
A scientist who studies Adam’s apples is called a guyneckologist.
You burn more calories chasing after your cat than you get from eating it. It’s the celery of pets.
[Wheel]
_’D L_K_ TO SOL__ TH_ P_ZZL_
I’d like to solve the puzzle, Pat
Go ahead
I’d like to solve the puzzle
Yes, go ahead
No, I’d like to..
The recipe said “prick with a fork,” but enough about me.
Wife: You’re shirtless?
*nods*
W: And covered in…oil?
-Well, you know how you always say I never glisten?
W: Listen. You never listen.
-Oh
[God making a planet for the first time and just constantly screwing things up]
Ugh, first world problems.
Please help me find my lost pet sloth. It was just right here and, oh, never mind, it’s still right here.
The racist dove
Married a racist hen
And together they started
A coo clucks clan
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
The phrase “beach body” brings to mind an image of a bloated corpse tossed ashore by the waves, so, yeah, I’m beach body ready.
Surgeon: I need someone to unroll this bandage, stat!
Cat nurse, excitedly: I’ve got this.
Actually, Kara, love is an illusion created by chemical reactions. The most powerful force in the world is the invisible hand of the market.
Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.