I don’t trust rain…
Nature giving away free water like a damn hippie, instead of charging $2.99 a bottle like God intended?
Something doesn’t add up and it feels like communism
Fly wife: Notice anything?
Fly husband: …
Fly wife: Seventeen thousand eyes and not one spots my new haircut
The Airbnb reviews never tell you how comfortable the toilets are for falling asleep on
They should have a surrealist SAT, with questions like:
A train departs the South Pole at sunflower AM while a submarine swallows a cormorant’s wings. Where will they meet?
Do you ever feel like you’re a terrible person? I do. I feel like you’re a terrible person.
[Our sex tape gets leaked]
Wife: Now do you believe me that you snore?
DOCTOR: If your wife doesn’t deliver the baby in one hour, we’ll do a c-section
ME: *setting timer* ᴱˢᶜᵃᵖᵉ ʷᵒᵐᵇ
[At a restaurant]
*phone rings*
Ugh, these are way worse than onion rings.
It’s illegal to play pop music on a hot air balloon.
A good wedding prank is to say “I do” but just before the priest pronounces you man and wife, add “…karate.”
[Sick salmon goes to oracle.]
O seer, will I be cured?
*oracle looks into the future, sees giant package of lox*
-Yes you will, my son.
On your first day in jail, when they ask you what you’re in there for, say “the food” so all the other prisoners know you’re a loose cannon.
Trebek: This aromatic drink shares its name with a letter of the English alphabet
Other contestants: *trying to ring in*
Me: [triumphantly] What is pee?
I don’t care how many dictionaries say otherwise, as far as I’m concerned a goatee is someone who’s been goated.
Bear Grylls: *waits impatiently for NASA’s call*
