Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
You Might Also Like
not me out here checking the growth progress of my potted flowers only a couple hours after i planted the seeds in the first place
I’m a go-getter. I’ve started my New Year’s resolutions now so I can have them broken by Jan 1st
Jan. 1, 2021: We did it, guys! That awful year is behind us!
Aug. 4, 2021: The snake wolves have taken Illinois. Here’s what that means for Ohio volcano refugees.
I purposely bought a small house so I could say “I’m sorry, I don’t have any room”
back to work
Squirrels get most of their energy from chewing on powerlines, that acorn thing is just for show.
*Tosses a strand of lights over the pile on the laundry chair*
The tree is up.
hey Disney-Pixar here’s an idea maybe make a movie where the daughter ACTUALLY LISTENS TO HER FATHER
What kind of monster sits in a rocking chair and doesn’t rock
I read that 83% of prison inmates are Christians…should I be concerned with my safety when I’m up in Heaven?
cop: where were u between 7 and 8
me: third grade? idk
If your conservative parents piss you off over the holidays, come out to them. You don’t even have to be gay, it’s just a fun thing to do.
Lionel Richie: 🎶hello is it me you’re looking for?
caller: actually yes I’d like to speak to you about your car’s extended warranty
Some people were born into their job.
Medusa: oh hello I’d like to make a hair appointment please
pet shop: please stop calling us
My daughter actually submitted this feedback at school. Not sure if I should ground her or buy her ice cream…
Shout out to police that ask to see your driver’s license. You gotta hand it to them.
Wonder what happens when you have a viral tweet, like your phone makes slot machine noises or what
A Tale of Two Cities 2: A Tale of Three Cities
Me: I’d like to apologise for my behaviour
Host: No need, you haven’t done anything wrong
Me: I haven’t started yet
Wife: I’m seeing someone behind your back.
Me: *frightened* Are… are they there now?
HR asked me to justify my position but I really couldn’t explain why I was just standing there.
HOST: Make yourself at home!
ME AND MY CLONE: I prefer the lab, thanks.
ME{from upstairs}: Honey, I’m gonna take a Bublé bath
WIFE: You mean bubble bath, dear
ME: Right
MICHAEL BUBLÉ: Are you getting in or what?
Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.
Hotel clerk: Sir, how many room keys would you like?
Me: 37
Interviewer: *glancing from my resume to my wheelchair*
“It says here you ran a marathon?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have excellent organizational skills.”
If a coworker has two apples in his right hand and two oranges in his left hand, what does he have?
No chance of blocking an uppercut.
frankly, people look at you different after you lick them.