please stand back I’m about to make this worse
me: *finally catching up financially*
the brakes on my car: hehe
my parents often told me I would lose my own head if it wasn’t screwed on and now that I’m an adult I want to know what tools I need to have it screwed off
I just wanna be rich enough to not have to run onstage after concerts to get my bra back
my family doesn’t play board games at Christmas anymore since that one year my sister ripped a Monopoly board in half and Risk caused a divorce
job interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness
me: that I need money. imagine if I was adequately funded? my god. the carnage
[aliens arrive]
people: *screaming crying hiding*
me: *frantically learning how to spell TAKE ME in music and math*
police: DROP YOUR WEAPON
me: places my self-deprecating humor gently on the ground
doctors don’t really need to hit you with that rubber hammer it’s just how they release a lil tension through the day
the eight spiders I swallowed last year have woven together the microplastics inside me to create a tiny starship enterprise and are zooming towards my brain as we spe
my sister: why do you delete so many tweets?
me: sometimes you don’t know something’s really stupid until you send it out into the world
my mother: *staring at me just a second too long*
my best friend is a guy and we have a pact that if we’re both still single at 37 we’ll hunt each other for sport
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
you haven’t truly known fear until a long-forgotten furby in the back of your bedroom closet starts screaming in an australian accent at 3am