Convinced my kid her harmonica didn’t work because the instructions were missing.
Be a parent so you can say fun things like, “Can you please stop petting the ChickfilA trashcan?”
“You put the clothes in the washer, and then you put them in the dryer, then, on the third day, you fold them and put them away.” – my kid, totally blowing up my spot while explaining how laundry is done
One thing they don’t tell you is, as a parent, your chances of dying by a T-Rex are greater than zero
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
“I’ll sleep when I’m dead” – me, before having kids
“I will murder someone for a nap”- me now
Spelling words to your spouse to hide things from your kids is great until you get to M&Ms.
I just tried to make coffee with my air fryer, so TGIF
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
Yesterday I found my first grader on her school computer designing a power point, and I just want to know why am I paying for camp this summer when I could just hire her for an unpaid internship?
Why is my purse so heavy?
*pulls out two tubes of sunscreen, extra pair of glasses, 3 cat toys, a circuit city gift card, and a 3 piece meal with two sides and a biscuit
7: can we have an awake-over tonight?
me: an awake-over?
7: it’s like a sleepover but without the sleep
I make a mortgage-sized payment monthly to send my kid to preschool. Today, I have to pick him up early so they can close to then reopen an hour later for an art show where I can pay a second time to buy art my kid made while I paid for him to be there.
Do you think my husband will be mad when he sees how creatively I’ve killed the lawn?