I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
Pro tip- stick AirTags on your kids before you hit up the corn maze this year and you can drink spiked cider in peace.
Fridgescaping- we stopped being able to afford to fill our fridge with groceries, so now we’re going to add some decorative yard sale finds to fill the void
no one:
no one:
8: if there is a Hell, I’d like to take a tour
I’m in an aspiring artist Facebook group, and everyone shares paintings they’ve done of their kids but not usually the reference photos. Which is great, but I can’t tell if the kid’s just ugly or if the painter needs more practice.
I suggest to my kid that she could leave her purse at home as she goes to spend the weekend at her grandparents house.
“No, my money is in it.”
“What could you possibly need money for at Grammy’s house?”
“In case I need to make a bet”
I’ve reached the part of my summer where I’m excited that I’ll soon be able to stop checking my kids’s heads for ticks and go back to just checking for lice
Convinced my kid her harmonica didn’t work because the instructions were missing.
Be a parent so you can say fun things like, “Can you please stop petting the ChickfilA trashcan?”
“You put the clothes in the washer, and then you put them in the dryer, then, on the third day, you fold them and put them away.” – my kid, totally blowing up my spot while explaining how laundry is done
One thing they don’t tell you is, as a parent, your chances of dying by a T-Rex are greater than zero
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
“I’ll sleep when I’m dead” – me, before having kids
“I will murder someone for a nap”- me now
Spelling words to your spouse to hide things from your kids is great until you get to M&Ms.
I just tried to make coffee with my air fryer, so TGIF