Being hungry again a half hour after eating Chinese food isn’t about the food being Chinese, it’s about you being American.
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Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows (2011) A bunch of adults trash a high school bc a noseless man thinks a child is better than him at magic
“An apple a day keeps the doctor away” even works on PhDs if you have a decent fastball
Every morning after I get out of the house, a bike comes out of nowhere and runs me over.
It’s a vicious cycle.
Anxiety: get ready
Me: for what?
Anxiety: Get ready.
Me: For what?
Anxiety: GET READY!!!!!!!!!
Me: Gah! FOR WHAT?
“Only God can judge me”
People who’ve never been to
Whole Foods.
I can’t believe one of you losers hasn’t married me yet
got asked to be a godparent proving god has lowered her recruitment standards
I like to think I didn’t lose a girlfriend, instead I gained an enemy.
Daughter: This is a long movie preview.
Me: You’re a long movie preview. I’ve been raising you 17 years and still no movie.
The weather is turning so I’ve swapped out my daughter’s summer outfits for cooler-weather clothes and my son’s shorts for his other shorts.
Savlon antiseptic cream is not, as it turns out, toothpaste.
My dryer is celebrating lint.
If you try to teach me a lesson I will flunk on purpose, how dare you
Please stop telling dirty jokes at the office. It’s inappropriate, and you’re talking too softly for me to hear the punchlines.
Date: Do you practice safe sex?
Me: I use the pull out method
Date: That doesn’t work!
Me *pulls out accordion*
Date: I don’t want to have sex with you
Me: It always works
Traffic fantasy:
– Someone does something stupid
– I give them “the look”
– They learn their lesson
– The roads are safer because of me
All spots are cat’s spot. This was clearly established in the Supreme Court case of Fits v. Sits.
Interviewer: congrats you got the security guard job
Me: *already asleep on a folding chair*
Interviewer: hang on u don’t start til monday
“Please stop that.” -person who witnessed first guy beatboxing
Hey everybody, I just finished the 30 day yoga challenge and it was easier than I expected. In fact, I bet I could go another 30 days without doing yoga.
I like to stand next to a stranger on the elevator and whisper, “I read what you said on the internet.”
the trick to parenting is appearing to present a united front with your partner while subtly implying that the other one is really the villain
Them: if you had the power to end one problem in the world today, what would it be?
Me: this conversation.
People always miss the point of Moby Dick. It’s not just about a man trying to catch a whale. It’s about how animals are hard to catch in general.
Why eat high-calorie yogurt when you can just have ice cream for breakfast instead?
Trying to get home and now I have to complete a side quest
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
A dating app for angry people- Grumble
cross bred an apple with a garlic to create a gapple. the only thing that will defend me from the horrid Dr Dracula
I’m sorry for the plans I made when I was feeling sociable.
-me canceling my Dr appt