It would be so creepy if instead of crying, babies were born laughing.
Bigfoot is real… or rather he was real and quite delicious.
Apparently it was disrespectful to wear my Slayer hoodie at my friend’s murdered husband’s funeral.
100% of divorces begin with marriage.
Mean Girls 2020: “Gross, isn’t that the mask you wore yesterday?”
I go back to work tomorrow, ending my 91 day weekend.
My father in law drank four cartons of milk in less than six days, so I’ve decided we’ll need to ditch him pretty early on in the apocalypse.
NASA faked the cow jumping over the moon.
My fiancee knows that I would kill for her, and it’s really annoying that she hasn’t asked me to yet.
Unless you refer to it as either a shindig or a hootenanny, I will not be attending your party.
I hope my dog doesn’t turn out weird because she’s being homeschooled.
My therapist says my little dragon friend isn’t real. But, my little dragon friend says my therapist isn’t real, and I’ve known her longer.