really hoping a cop doesnt wander into my room and sees me googling “how to do a hit and run 2021” out of context
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Select elevator floors without using your hands, guys. Chicks dig it.
Cardinal: Ordinations are down
Pope: Maybe a recruiting poster?
C: Slogan?
P: “We separate the men from the boys!”
C: Um… Any other ideas?
Tom Cruise has signed on for Mission Impossible V. His impossible mission is trying not to show up on everyone’s gaydar.
Fun Fact
The Hubble Space Telescope was built to do several things, one of which is to search for intelligent life, it is pointed away from Earth!
Stop attacking me with reasonable advice
If Kevin Spacey doesn’t sign his name like this
Kevin E
Then he’s pretty damn stupid…
*5 puts on shoes*
Me: they’re on the wrong feet.
5: but I can’t…
Me: can’t..?
5 I don’t have any more feet to put them on.
Me: touche
Welcome to your 40s, the kiddos finally let you sleep in but your bladder won’t allow it.
In grocery store & guy grabs my hand,starts to walk.I go with him, till he turns & realizes I’m not his wife.We broke it off…Single again
You know you’re an adult when you’ve injured yourself sleeping
Eggnostic is when you don’t know which came first, the chicken or the egg
[Shark Tank]
INVESTOR: So, it’s a bra, with a built in queso holder?
ME: Yep
INVESTOR: And you call it the-
ME: The Bracho, yes
Apparently being a 45 year old man sitting on Santa’s lap demanding the heads of your enemies is just too much for some malls.
How to tell if you’re wearing too much Axe:
1. Are you wearing Axe?
No- Good.
Yes- That’s too much.
[supermarket]
Woman, to hubs: There’s no such thing as too much cheese!
Me: *peels a cheddar slice from my emergency roll*
M: *writes my cell number on it* I like your style babe, call me
M: *eats the cheese* DAGNABBIT!
M: *peels a cheddar slice from…
My first and biggest lesson in framing was when I saw my uncle asking 3 children who wanted to take a bath and they all squirmed and loudly yelled NOOOO and then he asked “Who wants to be the FIRST! to take a bath?” and they literally started fighting to be the first
mmmm This chocolate speaks my language. Or it would, if it weren’t being eaten. So. I guess it’s probably horrified-screaming my language.
Brain: Let’s play a game.
Me: What?
Brain: Remember where you parked before the ice cream melts.
Me: Fuuuuu……
If you add orange juice to Jason Momoa you get a Jason Mimosa.
Accidentally told the dog she’s my favorite in front of my kids again
me: what do u mean my friend cant come in
bouncer: theres no way hes 21
me: but-
stuart little: dude its fine lets just go
[helping son with math]
Me: Problem one…(reading)…ok…(reads #2)…(reads #3)…(keeps reading)…ask your teacher for help tomorrow
Dad: Can I administer my own anesthetic?
Surgeon: Go ahead – knock yourself out.
Me: Why am I suddenly sick?
Friend: Probably the change in the Weather
[earlier]
Weather: *uncharacteristically puts poison in my coffee*
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone might accidentally clean them?
THIS SIGN MAKES ME SO HAPPY 😊😊😊
Second orthodontist consult.
10: I hope I can still eat fried chicken at Popeye’s and drink Dr Pepper and chew taffy.
Ortho:
Me, under my breath: You’ve never even been to Popeye’s. You don’t drink soda!…
10, whispering: Best to take this up with Dad.
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
Hub said to go ahead and buy my own Valentine’s Day present.
Looks like he’s going to be very generous this year.
Reading your horoscope is just trying to determine your future based on when your parents had sex.