A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
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him: what do u wanna be?
me: I wanna be a cat that transforms into a misty fog when people try to pet me
him: wtf, I meant for Halloween?
I saw a statue of Cinderella today. I didn’t like it, but I found the plinth charming.
Sorry I flinched when you told me you loved me. I’ve been practicing my poker face. Can we try again?
AVOCADO: Hello I’m good fat
BACON: *lights cigarette* *punches avocado*
[murder scene]
MORGAN FREEMAN: there are 7 deadly sins: Pride, greed, envy, lust, wrath and gl– [sees victim wearing crocs] There are 8 dea
Turns out there are very few midnight trains and “Anywhere” isn’t an option, you have to pick an actual destination.
Date: I like guys who are sensitive
Me *through mouthful of ice cream* this hurts my teeth
[Commercial for condoms]
*a baby cries*
NARRATOR: Condoms
It’s called a charm offensive. I’m like the softest baby bunny who doesn’t respect you.
I admit I’m not very handy, but there are many other areas in which I also do not excel.
Remember that Pi Day is just a made-up holiday invented by mathematicians to sell you more math.
In high school I only played the trombone so I could hit people and make it look like an accident.
Cop: do you know why I pulled u over?
Me: yeah, I was going like 120 back there
Cop:….
Me:..
Cop: sir, your tailamp is out
Me:…
me: there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: shut up gary, I know what they’re for
The worst part about getting arrested by a motorcycle cop is having to hug him from behind all the way back to the precinct.
[on unemployment]
WIFE: So what’d you do all day?
[the dog walks by dressed as a spider]
ME: Looked for a job
If you didn’t want a bunch of dads to meander into your backyard, then you shouldn’t have revved up that chainsaw, Dale
Does beer think about me too?
I’m not exaggerating when I say I’m into old guys — the last guy I dated had an aol email address.
Imagine going on a date with someone holding a fish in their dating profile picture and when you get to the restaurant it’s just a salmon sitting there waiting
Surprise your partner in bed by dying in your sleep
kanye is pretty mean for someone with yay in their name.
daredevil: [standing in the rain with his girlfriend] i may be blind, but my echolocation allows me to picture you perfectly
her: oh so like you’ll use the sound of the raindrops to-
daredevil: [just starts screaming into her face]
Apparently the main job qualification for being a pirate was that you had to be named after a beard.
me: [unlocking door] id better warn you, im a bit of a hoarder
her: lol like what
me: well, most of its grandmas
her: [struggling to wade through hundreds of old women] i see
Nurse: I’ve never seen anything like it
Me: I’m not surprised
Doctor: You’re the first patient I’ve had with a blood type of *checks chart* chocolate milk
[1994]
The rejected Spice Girl, Pumpkin, sobs outside the studio.
Little does she know that in 20 years their fans will love her the most.
5 minutes left in this NBA game. Gonna read War and Peace, walk the dog, and get a mani/pedi before the final buzzer.
[ the manger ]
me: so what’s his name
mary: jesus christ
me: hey watch your language around the baby
Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.