It’s not easy sitting around all day doing nothing. It’s hard to know whether or not you’re done.
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The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
sneezy geese carry a honkerchief
Searching for stuff on the internet when you’re drunk is called Beer Googles.
If a cockroach can survive a catastrophic nuclear holocaust, then what in the digital heavens do they put in Raid? #ThingsToPonderAtNight
Parents: Don’t put glass near your eyes.
Inventor of eyeglasses: Okay, I tried it and I’m sorry, but you’re not gonna believe this…
Mountain Goat : )
“I’ll be back!”
-boomerangs
-and herpes
I love those friendships that are based on a shared admiration for wood chippers and deep freezers.
I accidentally sat on a packet of cheddars today and heard my 4 year old niece say “oh no, my cheds” faintly from across the room
I’m not homophobic, I love my house!
don’t ask what my resolution is. there are 3 days left in this garbage year and i am focusing on being my worst possible self for every minute of them. “exercise more” “eat better” go to hell, im gonna burn down a tgi fridays
Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it
Me: I’ve found a needle in the haystack! Only took 3 hours.
Her: no this is a 3/4 inch, I need a 5/8’s.
Me: *begins searching again* you really need a better place to store these.
Dylan Thomas: Do not go gentle into that good night… Rage, rage against the dying of the light…
*cut to me already Hulk-smashing a lamp
@funTweeters I am at your service….
I keep having this dream where an old, floating man with a giant, white beard is commanding me to build a giant hazmat suit, big enough to contain my entire family and two of every animal of the world. Wierd, I know!
Me: I ate all the chips.
Wife: What!? For the boys’ lunches!? Well, at least we still have cheeze its.
Me: You’re not going to believe this
once i realized that sugar is from cane and is clearly a vegetable, the diet really came together on its own
“I don’t want a boyfriend.” -woman who wants a boyfriend who isn’t me
*looking under hood of car*
“Well there’s your problem”
*removes cardboard box with engine drawn on it*
Christmas decor isn’t meant to be sleek and minimalist it is supposed to look like joy threw up in your house.
[gym]
ME: hey can you spot me
HIM: yeah
ME: *hiding under the bench* how about now
me: my parents aren’t home
911: we can’t help you with your capri sun straw
COP: *draws gun*
PARTNER: *looking over his shoulder* Someone needs to go to art school. Looks like a platypus.
He-man has a Masters degree
RUMPLESTILTSKIN: I’ll let you keep your first born if you can guess my name in three tries!
ME: Is it Grundletaintskin?
R: *sigh* You already know it, don’t you?
ME: Whatever do you mean, Buttholeshitskin?
3: *looking up at the lights* what’s that mummy?
me: they’re lights
3: no I mean the spirits in front of them
me:
me:
me:
3: what’s for dinner
my mom refers to crying as “squirting” and I, oh my god…..can you tell her
If a necromancer isn’t someone who gives you hickies, then I’m not interested.
People say “5 second rule” like that’s a thing. I just ate a piece of Thanksgiving candy off the floor.