If a woman texts you three questions you should only answer one. They love that.
Hello bedtime my old friend,
My brain is laughing once again.
Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it
Me: *slowly opens pizza box*
Alien: dude
You’re telling me people get eight hours of sleep? Like in one night?
Everybody loves that comfort food until you end up with that comfort body.
Me: I got a new blanket
My dogs:
Not to brag but I also decided not to run today.
It’s like ten thousand tweets when all you need is a life.
The rule should be if you can smell the cookout you’re invited to the cookout.
Body: we’re going to bed
Brain: that doesn’t mean we’re going to sleep
A 12 step program but it’s just me getting off the couch.
*puts a Santa hat on your Halloween decorations*
My OnlyFans is just me loading the dishwasher correctly.
Counting calories is great for when you want to eat and do math and cry at the same time.
Son: what are those wrinkles
Me: crows feet
Son: jeez how many crows were standing on you
Me: