Body: we’re going to bed
Brain: that doesn’t mean we’re going to sleep
A 12 step program but it’s just me getting off the couch.
*puts a Santa hat on your Halloween decorations*
My OnlyFans is just me loading the dishwasher correctly.
Counting calories is great for when you want to eat and do math and cry at the same time.
Son: what are those wrinkles
Me: crows feet
Son: jeez how many crows were standing on you
Me:
Welcome to your 40s: here’s an extra chin.
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not exhausted that’s just your face now.
Welcome to your 40s: that “teenager”over there is actually 27.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s ten pounds.
Welcome to Twitter: it’s high school except we all have gray hair.
Welcome to Twitter: yeah none of us can sleep either.
My neighbor told me he heard me having sex this morning.
I was putting on my shoes.
I had no idea being an adult would involve so many lotions.
Everyone’s a gangster until the grocery store switches their aisles around.