I don’t know what it means, but my stomach just made a sound I once heard in the woods back in 1993.
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Exercise makes you look and feel better naked?
So does Tequila….
Cave rescue is going to make an incredible movie, can’t wait to see Scarlett Johansson inspire in her role as 12 Thai boys.
“It’s very expensive.” – Chipotle employee
“Look, I got money to spend in here.” – Julia Roberts
Pretty Woman 2: Guacamole Costs Extra
when the next drug dog retires can I have it cause I straight up do not remember where I put this bag
[commercial for toilets]
°a man is walking around his house picking up turds°
There’s got to be a better way
If I did one of those wine and paint nights the instructor would be like wow look at you, you are really good at wine.
People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.
My boss has stopped letting me leave early for my son’s Little League games ever since he learned he’s in his second year of college.
Dad: *getting grill ready* I need some lighter fluid
Me: *ties a balloon to his drink*
Dad: *sniff* I’m so proud of you
My 12 year old sent me an email asking permission to spend a no school day at a friend’s house. I wish I could post the whole thing but I’ll just share the introductory paragraph.
Thanks to my wife, I now know a car can go 21,462 miles without an oil change before something horrible happens.
“How much to hire a church singing group?”
“You mean a choir?”
“Fine, how much to acquire a church singing group?”
I thought I Kuwait but
then I Saudi Turkey
and my Bahrain was like
Oman I Israel Hungary
so Iran.
I wish I knew how to spell the crinkle sound a chip bag makes because that would be my future dog’s name.
Man “addicted to brake fluid” claims he can stop any time he wants.
PRO TIP: leave the oven on at all times in order to avoid the hassle of pre-heating
aliens took me up to on their ship but i have no time for that drama so i just jumped out
Apples to apples? You’re not a very good wizard.
HIM: the first rule of fight club is never talk about fight club
ME: but we’re talking about it now
HIM: I mean like to your friends
ME: were not friends?
HIM: I mean kinda but-
ME: *crying* this hurts worse than getting punched
DEATH: You’re grounded! Get back here!
DEATH’S DAUGHTER: Whatever. *gets on motorcycle, zooms across tightrope*
DEATH: HOW DARE YOU DEFY ME!
[Family game night]
Grandma: what are the rules?
Me: omg for the last time, we spin the chamber and take turns shooting ourselves in the head
Either that loud scream was a patient yelling for help or Fred pulled the string on the bird’s tail for quitting time-
Why my cw hates me
When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary.
Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shit.
I’m watching Olympic athletes run 1500m, while trying to figure out how I can make the Roomba drive 3m to the beer fridge for me.
origin story of all Disney villains:
“omg if I hear ONE more person singing today-“
COWORKER: Hi, this is embarrassing. *whispers* can I borrow a tampon?
ME: Sure, just leave it on my desk when you’re done.
I love selfies. They kill more people than sharks
[confession booth]
me: *sneezes*
priest: I’m not falling for that one again dan
It’s really funny that if you drown someone in a toilet in Hitman the authorities chalk it up to being an accidental death
8yo, as I read her a fairy tale at bedtime: WOW your chin is hairy.
Me: …so the witch threw the overly-observant kid in the oven. The End.