Turns out my toddler’s only ingredient for Banana Stew is bananas, and now I understand why she rolled her eyes when I asked for the recipe
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My 4 yr old came in my room last night at 3am. I asked him what was wrong and he said “how many eyebrows do I have?”
if how you live this life is reflected by what you become in the next, i kinda wonder what grandpa did to come back as a pot pie?
“Is this the fifth one?”
– me, drunk, watching Jurassic park in Spanish
There was a spider in the shower this morning, and now my neighbours know I scream like a cat about to crest a roller coaster’s first drop.
She: But WHY are you breaking up with me? Please tell me honestly.
He (sigh): Ok It’s…your “signature sex move”
She: Judgmental Corpse?
If the One Ring had been a kitten then Sauron would have spent the whole book trying to find his kitten, sending whole armies out to look for it, while the fellowships heroic quest involved throwing a kitten in a volcano. Makes you think
My niece calls me her ankle. I call her my knees.
We are a joint family.
This might be the most effective pickup strategy I’ve ever seen
If we only could have known that nap time in Kindergarten was the best life/work balance we would ever achieve.
Nothing confuses me more than when the worker at a wine tasting says that the wine I’m about to sample is bursting with delicious flavors of apple, pear, and peaches, but all I can taste is armpit.
speed dating but it’s just me changing tables at a restaurant every few minutes trying a bite of everyone’s food
you pass by on your run. i’m on the front porch hacking into my neighbors neurolink and having him wash my dad’s van
Associate at the genius bar at the apple store: hi, how may i help you?
me, plunking my laptop down on the table: i can’t find the lowercase numbers!
Haha, all I’m saying is there’s no need to put a little umbrella in my drink… It’s already wet.
Her: What did you get for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Drunk!
I have an extreme shellfish allergy so I always keep a single fried shrimp in my wallet in case I need to use it as a cyanide pill
Took an 11 year old to play golf and Ive now graduated from his butler to his caddie.
boss: this company is more profitable than ever
me: how about a raise?
boss: sorry i have to take this call
me: your phone isn’t ringing
boss: [fakes heart attack]
Hate seeing birds walking to their destination. It’s disingenuous. They’re just doing gravity tourism. Get back in the sky where you belong.
Doctor, reaching for a piece of paper: “Are you on any meds?”
Me: “You might want to grab a notebook.”
Had a great convo w someone I really admire and then immediately walked into a glass door. The lord giveth and the lord wrecketh away
Friend was telling me a story of how she made her parents drive around to 4 different places looking for a hot dog “with skin”. They kept trying to explain that they all have skin. Turns out what she wanted was a corn dog.
6yo’s can’t go to jail so I have no idea why this one’s refusing to drive me home from the pub.
I told my 14yo there’s a muppet who is dealing with drug addiction and he said “they all are. Look at their eyes”
Pre-diction: Baby’s first words will be garbled.
“Drat!” Annie felt the unwelcome creep of human emotion intrude upon her sensible agenda.
Two crows fall in love, move in together, start a family.
The perfect murder.
don’t ask me “what dat mouth do?” if you’re not prepared to hear it burp the alphabet.
Every sitcom: So you know how in your late twenties and early 30s, you have this close group of friends that just kind of hangs out at each other’s houses all the time?
Teenage me: definitely.
30s me: Wait, what