Stops eating carbs and loses 25 pounds in 3 months.
Starts eating carbs and gains 25 pounds in 3 days.
You Might Also Like
[using Ouija Board]
“Will i ever find true love–”
“NEW GHOST WHO DIS”
Me: I wanna chew the gum
Willy Wonka: No! You’ll turn into a blueberry
M: I’m doing it
W: Don’t
M:
[bank robbery]
Robber 1: put money in the bag
Robber 2: how come u get to be robber 1?
Robber 4: how do u think I feel. There’s only 3 of us
Me: Any deathbed confessions?Him: Wtf I’m just napping
Me: Shhh, don’t fight it. Go into the light
Him: Get that flashlight out of my face
Once this giraffe adoption comes through, my days of cleaning gutters are over.
“I’m great in bed” ~ breakfast
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
cheetah: 60mph but i can reach speeds of 75mph on smooth terrain
cop: [turns to camera] wow kids did you hear that? twitter is so full of wonderful facts
cheetah: that’s right officer. for instance did you know 9/11 was an inside job?
“We’re all in this together” used to sound comforting — until I realized it means I’m relying on a lot of stupid Americans to stay alive.
Butterfly courtship ritual:
Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere
When the cashier at PetSmart asked me for my phone number I said it loud enough for the hot guy behind me in line to hear.
I might have repeated it.
Just banged my head but unfortunately it didn’t knock any more sense into it.
Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.
how disrespectful to start wwiii in the middle of coachella.
Me, seeing five little monkeys jumping on the bed: *closes door*
My friend is addicted to interventions and I don’t know how to help him.
*i maintain solid eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me for eating on the job, as i slowly pull out a chalupa from my coat pocket & begin eating it*
So, apparently, flashing the neighbors at their backyard barbecue doesn’t make it a “gender reveal” party.
channeling her this year
My kind of messy bun is cinnamon.
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed?
Oh sheet.
Ssshhh be quiet, I just found another endangered species.
[Donald Duck opens gift]
Daisy: It’s pants. Try them on!
Donald: [stands] STOP TRYING TO CHANGE ME WOMAN
The older I get, the more I treat birthdays like one night stands and just pretend they didn’t happen.
a fun thing about getting older is all the sports injuries you get while sleeping
When you’re being watched by a group of people and you’re like… is this how I normally walk? this feels weird, wtf are you doing, legs?
My daughter bit off both ends of her chocolate bunny and is shouting through it like a megaphone, “Hello, is there anybunny in there?”
Me: *plays imaginary playground game with my boys where we’re a crew flying through deep space on the hunt for storm troopers, armed only with our wits and pretend lightsabers on a fantastical, mysterious journey aboard our supersonic spaceship*
6yo: Are we there yet?
For such a picky eater, I’m certainly not a picky weight gainer.
Im not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB