Thinking about taking a picture with a number pinned to my shirt so it looks like I run marathons.
You Might Also Like
I try to compartmentalize, but then I remember that’s how they built the titanic.
*experiencing the extremely obvious consequences of my actions*
The universe is so mysterious
We had to cut our 2yo off from YouTube. Like any addict, he hasn’t responded well to going cold turkey but his irises aren’t red anymore so that’s good news.
I spent a lot of my childhood worrying about wearing red clothes and being chased by cows
Boss: I want only essential employees in the office.
[next day]
Boss [looking at me]: why are you here
I changed the pictures in the bathroom a year ago, my toddler just realized, your understanding is appreciated as she goes through this hard time
Hey did you guys hear me do that pushup?
Wife: hey take me out tonight.
Me: can it wait till tomorrow?
Wife: why?
Me: because tonight’s not garbage night, tomorrow is
when you kill a mosquito someone else’s blood is probably on your hands.
12: This apple tastes funny.
Me: That’s because it’s a peach.
Also me: Starts spending 12’s college fund.
Kid: Are you the babysitter?
Sting: Yes. Every breath you take. Every step you take. I’ll be watching you. It’ll be fun!
Kid: *horrified*
It takes two months to get fat and two years to get in shape.
Science is a lie.
I’ve won 5 straight games of Operation, so I am more than qualified to perform a tracheotomy.
James Bond: Do you expect me to talk?
Therapist: That is how these things usually work.
Me: we need to pick 9 up from school
4: we’ve picked him up a lot lately, let’s just leave him there today
My go-to office prank is to sneak onto someone’s unattended Facebook page and post “I’m undecided, which should I get, iPhone or Android?”
The best thing about sitting next to the white guy with dreads on the bus is no one thinks you’re the one that farted
*turns up to a yoga class in full Master Yoda costume*
“Oh dear. Misread the flyer, I have.”
Hugh Jackman implies the existence of a small ackman
Couldn’t afford a large screen tv this Christmas so I kept my current one but moved the couch 4 foot closer
7: there were 5 cupcakes when I left and now there are 3. Did you eat 2?!
Me: suddenly now you can do math
Been yelling i need a job at my phone for 6 hrs each day so that I get targeted ads about jobs. Now the jobs are looking for me.
Villain: We meet again, Mr. Bond
Bond: You don’t remember my 1st name do you
Villain: Sure I do. It’s uh..
Bond: C’mon this is our 3rd fight
Sign in the elevator: Please keep 6-foot distance.
Width of elevator: 5 feet.
My 10 yr old googled how many states are in Oregon so I guess geography skills are like genetic or whatever
interviewer: any questions?
me: yes, what are your strengths?
[Garden Of Eden]
Adam: Is this your first time?
Eve: YES ADAM! Literally, everything I do is my “first time”, for the love of God please stop asking.
Where it all went wrong
Me: Oh I love your hair, you look like a different person.
Her: Is that what you want?
taco bell menu is like ok we have exactly 9 ingredients. which of these 38 ways do you want them presented fo you
“I’m shaving off the beard tomorrow” I loudly announce so that anything living in there has time to evacuate