When I go on a successful first date I always ask to go back to her place not cuz I wanna have sex but to see if she buried the guy before me in her yard
[ SEXT ]
Me: Hey naughty girl, what are you wearing right now?
Her: Footed pajamas
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: …
M: K, gnight
Woke up with morning Yule Log
[ DURING SEX ]
Me: Who’s a bad hand!?
I’ve started an all male cow gang.
Because in life, anything is posse bull !!
I hope Instagram is still active during the apocalypse so the zombies can post pics of whose brains they’re currently eating
[ DEATH CERTIFICATE ]
Cause of Death: Sent girlfriend Eye Roll Emoji
I hate when people start off a conversation with, “Can I be honest with you?”
No, please lie, I insist!
I love when young people try to insult me and say ‘It’s way past your bedtime old man’. Bro, it’s not an insult, it’s a reminder.
Me: I’ll take a double cheeseburger, large fries and supersized coke…
Nurse: Sir, this is a colonoscopy
[GUYS WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE]
Guy1: What should we call it?
Guy2: How bout ‘Hot Spot’?
Guy1: Nah..
Guy2: How bout ‘Fireplace’?
Guy1: Duuuuuuuuude!!!
After your 5th sneeze I’m not saying bless you anymore.
You’re on your own