Starting to miss the kids after 5 days at grandma’s, so I wistfully dumped a bin of toys on the floor and sprinkled crumbs on the couch.
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We’ve had far more storms since we started naming them. We’re giving them the attention they crave. Just call it needy wind.
16: They asked me for my email.
12: Email? That’s like something only moms use!
16: Ewww, I know!
*how my kids take a dig at me without even trying to take a dig at me
She asked if I noticed anything different about her & I said no. Then I noticed she was angrier than usual.
His icy glare melts my creamy core. He’s so cold, beads of water drip down his exterior. My walls ache to be drowned by him.
-Oreo to milk
Christmas time is my Mom asking me what size shirt I wear and then telling me I’m wrong.
I’m at the age I don’t remember it’s my birthday but my wife makes me feel better by reminding me I’m at the age I don’t remember anything.
Jokes on you, I still have a stockpile of toilet paper from the Mayan Calendar Apocalypse.
the worst part of senior prom was definitely dropping my date and my grandfather’s ashes going EVERYWHERE
Jesus loves you.
But only as a friend.
I like to play fetch with my cat….which, you know, is just me throwing stuff, followed by disappointment.
I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.
waiter: bread for the table?
me: ok fair swap (walks away with basket of bread)
Those who do not learn from history are destined to repeat it.
But I guess the same can be said for math and geography courses.
thesaurus had the greatest vocabulary of all the dinosaurs
Her: I want you to choke me daddy
Me: *throws whole grapes into her mouth
Updating my dating profile….
My husband isn’t being as helpful as I’d hoped tbh
As the zombies swarm, I ask for one last selfie. By the time they realise their dead flesh won’t activate the touch screen, I’m long gone.
If anyone needs to make a fake snowy winter wonderland, for a nominal fee I can come and exfoliate on your front lawn.
My husband is trying to tell me shopping on Amazon isn’t a hobby.
Next thing I know he’ll be saying Twitter isn’t a hobby.
There’s a lady at work named Lillian Llewellyn who carries a briefcase and I like to imagine it falling open and spilling a bunch of L’s
How to Talk To A Woman Who Is Hiding Behind That Plant. Now She’s In The Alley. Wow, She’s A Fast Runner. How To Talk To The Police.
suddenly remembered when I explained updog to my father and he didn’t even blink, just said “oh, we had something like that when I was a kid, a henway”
“what’s a henway?”
“about five pounds”
Nephew: Hey, Uncle Jesus, can you buy me and my friends some beer?
Jesus: No, but I can get you wine. Let’s go over to the water cooler, shall we.
I wonder about the people who unfollow after one day. What were they expecting, Louis C.K.?
Another interpretation of pavlov’s experiment is his dog trained him to ring a little bell before serving him dinner.
We got caught Brian, just act normal..
I never realized my dog has the same last name as me until I took him to the vet.
I hate when scientists are like “some insects can see colors we can’t.” Like ok? What colors? Quickly.
[first date]
HER: So, do you have a 5 year plan?
ME: Yes. Well, the beginnings of one.
HER: How far have you gotten?
ME: I’ve decided what I want for dinner.
*first time in a long time at the dentist*
Dentist: don’t worry this isn’t going to be as bad as you think.
Me:
Dentists: whoops never mind we have to take out all your teeth.