*Makes cereal for my kids breakfast*
*Makes bacon and egg for mine”My kids: can I have some of that bacon?
Me: *gives them some bacon*
K: maybe some egg?
M: *gives them some egg**Makes cereal for my breakfast*
Despite 100s of years of evolution, when someone is vomiting our brains can only ever come up with “are you alright?”
Dogs will go through amazing effort to get a better view of your plate
I have to leave in 5 minutes! Better get ready!
*Sits for aonther 10 minutes*
People say “loose lips sink ships”. But history would confirm it’s definitely icebergs
Me: *hands her a pitri dish I’ve cultivated over several months*
Her: what’s this?
Me: You said you wanted multiple organisms
Them: thanks for the anti-perspirant
Me: no sweat
Oh he looks allergic to me. I’ll go sit on him
~ cats
Having sex outside isn’t as spontaneous as everyone will have you believe. Carrying the bed out there is time consuming and heavy!
Car sex – for when you want risky sex AND improve your twister game
Toy designer: a remote control car that’s rechargeable!
Executive: But how will we still make this awkward for parents who buy them for their kids?
TD: oh.. we’ll just make it so you still need batteries for the controller
I forgot that I ate that chocolate. So can I have another one?
~ kid logic
Them: oh I was just talking about you!
Me, jokingly: nothing bad I hope? Ha ha
Them:
Me: oh
Alanis: I’m ready for this knife fight!
*Pulls out 10000 spoons*
My parents: before you leave the house you should always go pee!
Me, as a kid:. No! I don’t need to go!
Me, in my 40’s: yeah I see what you mean!