All women really want is to be treated like you treat your iPhone.
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Joseph: we have to walk to bethlehem for a census thing
Mary, 9 months pregnant: i’m sorry what
[checking my phone]
“i hope this email finds you being mauled” ha ha what in the heck
[suddenly a bear is in my kitchen]
Psychic: I’m also a medium.
Me: I’m a large or extra large depending on the brand.
[restaurant owners meeting]
“we should start asking customers if they’ve been here before”
why though?
“absolutely no reason at all”
ok deal
A cool thing about kids is how they make you keep an open mind, like when your 3 year old wakes you up to ask “What if we were hotdogs?” and you’re like, oh damn what if
Headed to a wedding but my wife said I’m not allowed to refer to the bride as ‘the veiled threat.’
My dad called and asked which brand of bourbon I would be most thankful for next week.
My mom must have sent him grocery shopping.
doctor: open up
me: it all started when my dad left
doctor: and say ahh
me: oh
doctor: no, “ahh”
Perfect Date:
1) Get kids out of the house
2) Light some candles
3) Burn the house down
4) Collect the insurance
5) Take her somewhere nice
told the kids i had trouble with handwriting when i was little and 5yo asked if it was “because pens were made of feathers”
Some people make mountains out of mole hills, some people make a competition out of crazy
[being murdered at work]
Me: *being murdered*
Murderer: *murdering me*
Boss: let me know how I can help(it is unclear who he’s talking to)
2: Mommy!!
Me: Yes?
2: NOOOOOOOOO!
POLICE! OPEN UP, WE KNOW YOU’RE IN THERE. WELL, WE DON’T KNOW BUT WE’RE KINDA HOPING YOU ARE COS IT WAS A LONG DRIVE & JIM NEEDS TO PEE.
kinda sucks that there’s only one day a year it’s acceptable to put on a diaper and shoot arrows at people
[starts to leave the theater when the title appears on-screen]
date: no, Get Out is the name of the movie
I do the same thing every other woman my age does in the shower. Argue with people in my head.
The fact that there are countless First Responders alongside the street tells me everything I need to know about running marathons.
That’s disgusting! Where did you learn to do that?! Don’t wipe boogers on Mommy’s pillow!
Wipe it on Daddy’s
Show your neighbor they shouldn’t park their boat outside of their house by filling it with two of every animal.
ME: I make all my decisions by rolling dice
DATE: Ok
WAITER: Can I get you any drinks?
ME: Yes I’ll have-
[rolls dice]
-six beers please
Never watch porn when you’re tripping. You’ll zero in on the sad eyes and start to see a kaleidoscope of missed dance recitals and pain.
I’m thinking about giving up sugar.
Ok. I’m done thinking about it.
Magneto: Curses! How did you find my secret lair? Telepathy? Satellites?
Wolverine: every compass in town is pointing at you, bro, how do you not know this
Its wrong that priests have to live a life of forced celibacy . They should get married and let celibacy come upon them the usual way.
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
Wait, what’s that noise?
Is there a dying cat outside?
Oh…no…it’s just a 50 yr old man racing a remote control car down the road.
[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]
“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”
I don’t mean to brag, but I’ve received a lot of emails that find me well.