Don’t be sad about being single on Valentine’s Day, think of all the ppl in relationships that don’t know they’re also single
I hate to say I’m better than u but… I can name all the Ninja Turtles & tell u their weapon & bandana color
Sometimes I toast to world peace, but secretly, I just want restaurants to stop serving frozen butter with bread
Sex is like pizza, there’s NO reason it should ever involve vegetables
I’m happy my date didn’t snoop in my medicine cabinet but sad I spent an hour setting up 40 ping pong balls in there for nothing
Him: Are u free later?
Me: No I’m expensive all the time
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
Me: We should set up a play date
Hot dad at park: You have a kid?
Me: No, I said WE should