Someone told me they got a futon instead of a couch/chair because they wanted their furniture to be versatile.
You can use it for sitting AND lying down?
That’s cool, bro.
My chair can be used for sitting and lion taming.
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How do u make a Pirate angry?
Take the P out of him.
*Christmas with The Schrödingers
Dr. Erwin Schrödinger: [shaking a wrapped box, excited] Is it a new cat?
*His family smiles nervously at each other
Nothing says “high-functioning alcoholic” like being really good at darts.
The Macarena is pretty menacing if you do it in silence in the queue at the bank.
My husband handed my son an orange to take to school.
Me: “He’s not going to eat that.”
My son reached in his bag and pulled out yesterday’s orange. … and then pulled out Tuesday’s orange as well.
Resolution: He returned two previous oranges and brought the new one. 🤷🏼♀️
When life gives you lemons maybe think to yourself, “that’s really quite remarkable given how far I live from a climate capable of growing citrus.”
My optometrist: Well, it’s normal as you age for…
I don’t know what he said after that.😑
How do I raise my kids? Simple, I grab them under their arm pits, bend at the knees and stand up, how else would you do it?
cop: know why I pulled you over?
fortune teller: well let’s just see (flips over tarot card that shows a skeleton in a car doing 45 in a 35) ah frick
They won’t give me insurance on my phones anymore, but yet they don’t make phones that survive being thrown against walls?
It’s nonsense…
Why do they write PIZZA all over the box???? what else could possibly be in there???
What if death changed its name to Jeff and you had to say things like I can’t wait for the sweet release of Jeff.
There was a sudden Jeff in the family
Only two things in life are certain: Jeff and taxes
“Umm, what are you doing? Can you not? Seriously, get off me!”
– The first horse ever ridden (probably)
Fun prank: replace all your phones with rotary phones and your wifi with a dial-up, then watch your kids move out.
Boss: “I want it on my desk by 9 on Monday”
Me: “Say no more”
[Monday]
Boss: “Where’s my report?”
Me: “Shhh”
“Adults are lame. After they have kids, they never do anything exciting.”
-my son, blaming the victims
Teacher: You can do anything you set your mind to
[I try to sneak outta class but somehow mess up the pull door twice]
Except maybe that guy
Noise-canceling headphones aren’t enough anymore. I need an emotion-canceling backpack. Existential dread-canceling cargo pants. A pair of shoes that makes me forget I exist.
We’re having company over today, so naturally my husband is helping me prepare by looking for the soil testing kit that he bought over a year ago.
I’m having lunch with my mom today. I can’t wait to hear how tired and unmarried I look.
[first date]
Me: that is hilarious
Date: …
Me: wait, bread or dead?
Date: how would my parents be bread?
You don’t have to choose between being a fighter and a lover. If you say you have a bad back you can normally get out of doing both.
We’ve been so worried about my 95-y-o grandmother at a retirement home in New Orleans and she called today to say they ran out of Tito’s vodka and could we ship her some.
The TP factory remains safe, as the would-be theives were flushed out before they could wipe up the inventory.
ME: [opening door and tossing in an apple]
DOCTOR: [diving on it] GRENADE!
Someone should figure out how to turn children arguing into energy. We would be able to power the whole damn world.
PRO TIP: Stall your execution by asking if the lethal injection chemicals are gluten-free.
something america actually gets right is our commitment to air conditioning and ice cubes in drinks. like yeah healthcare would be nice but my god, room temperature water is an abomination
Please stop calling a picture of a grilled cheese sandwich “food porn”.
ME: revise my plea? Why?
JUDGE: read it back
RECORDER: defendant said “cauliflower is just white broccoli”
ME: *lips on mic* I stand by that