Just saw a broken down food truck AKA A RESTAURANT
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Me: can you make sure this diamond ring is in the bottom of her drink? I want it to be a really special moment
McDonald’s employee: ok
Joined our neighborhood watch program. There’s 30 of us though so I only get to wear it like 1 day a month. 🙁
Me (standing in front of mirror): bloody mary, bloody mary, bloody mary
Cop on other side: what is he doing
If I’ve learned anything from this year, it’s that my family needs no more than 1 can of tuna for a pandemic. In a panic I bought 20 cans of tuna and 9 months later we have 20 cans of tuna.
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t want none unless you got goats, hon
If you don’t want to play with me I’ll just play with myself!
– Overheard in 2nd grade today… Me too kid, me too.
She said that having a successful marriage is all about making sacrifices so I threw her into a volcano.
People who tell you to get your kids to help don’t understand how kids work
Menopausal women would make great security guards. We are just waiting for someone to piss us off
Okay, good. We’ve made Oreos with more Stuff, but now we need to make each Oreo bigger. I want an Oreo that’s a two-hander
Recipe: After adding oil to skillet, sweat onions.
My cooking anxiety: I got this!
[100 degree summer day]
me: this is so nice, I’ve got the AC running, TV and a pizza
people who love camping: ok, hear me out
Co-worker: Do you have any invisible tape?
Me: You’ll have to feel around in the supply cabinet.
You say “premarital sex” like there’s postmarital sex
Don’t get angry…
…get pizza.
Me, “Alexa, make all these people leave my house.”
Alexa, “Playing Nickelback.”
When I can’t find my car keys, I’m grateful for the most helpful suggestions like “Where did you last leave them?” and “They’ll turn up”.
me: are you telling me how to raise my children?
necromancer: trying to, yeah
I don’t consider myself a controlling person.
Side note: Anyone else have a list of people your spouse can’t marry if you die?
*swirling hand sanitizer around in a glass like a sommelier* what year is this?
My wife is having hot flashes today which explains why the air conditioning is set to below freezing and there are several penguins in my living room.
what are some fun beginner crimes for someone getting into lawlessness
Don’t try tell me how many months old your child is. I only recognize:
A. Potato phase
B. Shrieking pterodactyl phase
C. Tiny drunk person phase
if cat not enjoy being held… why baby sized?
It’s so condescending when self-defense instructors tell you to never go to a second location with your kidnapper, like, sir, do you even understand how a kidnapping works? I’m not trying to go ANYWHERE
My aunt: [to my kid] You’ve gotten so big!
Me, quietly to myself: don’t say it, don’t say it, don’t say it…
My kid: So have you!
Me: There it is
Me: I never remember whether I’m supposed to play dead or make myself as big as possible
My Boss: when you get up, go ahead and close my door and have a seat
Donald Trump is like the “Scream” movies in that he blurs the line between comedy and horror.
Me: yes, I’ll take the free burger
Cashier: sir, you have to buy one to get one
Me: I only want one though, the free one