Me: *opens door*
Jehovah’s Witness: Can I talk to you about the lord?
Me: Can I talk to you about my new keto diet?
Jehova’s Witness: Can we just pretend like I never knocked?
Me: sure
If you’re the last person to leave the office, nobody will judge you when you eat the leftover birthday cake from the trash.
Telling everyone “great costume” whether or not they’re wearing one.
Group therapist: What’s your biggest fear?
Wolfman: Silver bullets
Frankenstein: Fire
Dracula: Lasagna, spaghetti…you know, most Italian dishes.
To see someone’s true savage nature, you must observe them eat crab legs at a buffet.
88% of parenting is begging your kids to blow their nose.
*First hour into camping with my family with no phone*
I have 2 kids?!
Most people will give you their jacket if you’re naked and tell them you come from the future.
Me: How’s it going?
Coworker: Can’t complain.
Me: Try harder.
Coworker: Life is meaningless.
Me: Atta boy.
Painted a fake tunnel on a wall today. Not one coyote has run into it.
[After 2 hours of explaining a complicated board game]
Ok, let’s just play and I’ll explain as we go.
ACME gave a credit card to Wile E. Coyote with no credit history, just so he could capture a bird. This is why banks need to be regulated.
2 kids walk into a forest and try to eat an old woman’s home and she’s the villain? I’m not buying it Brothers Grimm.
Save on air conditioning by letting ghosts infest your house.
[moments before death with my life flashing before my eyes]
Me: Wow, that’s a lot of cat gifs.