If you call all the priests “daddy” you don’t have to go back to church.
2025
-All children are named Logan
-The most recent president is a ferret who came in 2nd on the Amazing Race.
-Betty White is still alive
[Last day in prison]
*Walks up to the biggest guy*
Hey man, sorry about that first day stuff.
*God creating Eminem*
This one will really hate his mom, but also be really obsessed with her spaghetti.
For a good time go up to strangers and mistake them for unattractive celebrities.
If Michael Jackson wasn’t buried in his Thriller outfit, who will teach the zombies to dance in the upcoming apocalypse.
Joseph: I swear I just heard the wind call your name
Mary: um, that was probably…god
Joseph: God sounded a lot like our neighbor Jeff
Somewhere there’s a bat that witnessed their parents murder who now dresses like a human.
My daughter says she saw a demon in her room. I’m tweeting this from the safety of my office wishing her a lot of luck.
All those years of school never taught me the most important life lesson. Green gummy bears are strawberry flavored.
Can’t go to sleep. I’m not sure if I should blame the cup of coffee I had at noon or vintage clown doll sitting at the foot of my bed.
Make your day better by imagining people you don’t like floating helplessly into the sun.
I never took a drama class but everyone at this birthday believes that I love this gluten free cake.
Everyone wants to be a Viking until you set them out to sea on a boat that’s on fire.
The most disappointing sentence in the human language is “This next song is off of our new album”.