The most unbelievable thing about Die Hard is that the office Christmas Party is happening on Christmas Eve.
I want to apologize to D.C. Comics for saying that the Lex Luther becoming president story arc could never happen in real life.
Make your first kiss more memorable by letting them know about your sci-fi themed weapon collection moments before your lips touch.
When I die, I’m going out guns blazing with all hell coming with me.
*Dies eating gas station sushi
My favorite act of vengeance is befriending your dad and convincing him that dread locks would look cool on him.
Stealing the candy is not the issue here. The real issue is why are you feeding your baby candy.
Home Alone teaches us that a child can’t pack a suitcase but can create a fully functional flame thrower to harm a small New Jersey man.
In Harry Potter, a scar on your forehead means you’re a hero. In real life, a scar on your forehead means you got drunk & lack coordination.
Waiting for Bernie Sanders to come out from under the ring and hitting someone with a steel chair to claim the presidential belt.
Sweep her off her feet, but not like the bad guy from Karate Kid.
If a gorilla stole my girlfriend and started throwing barrels at a construction site, the last guy I’m gonna call for help is a plumber.
What kind of educational background do you need to have to work at the gas station that directs teens to their deaths in a horror movie?
When life gives you chlamydia, make lemon chlamydia?
Nobody discretely coughs blood into a handkerchief while wearing a top hat anymore.
The best way to get the woman of your dreams is to comment “gorgeous” on a minimum of 52 of her selfies.