Patron: I’ll have the french toast
Waiter, donning a beret and raising a glass: oui oui, mon amie
oh cool this article looks like a neat re-“JOIN OUR NEWSLETTER TO NEVER MISS OUT ON THE BEST NEWS EVER BUT FIRST DISABLE YOUR ADBLOCKER ALSO CAN WE HAVE YOUR PHONE NU-“
Instructor: “Weapons are oft named for their purpose.”
Young Woman: *nervously eyes the cutlass*
[showing my chiropractor the scene where the robot stretches Mr. Incredible and fixes his back]: This. I want this.
“and it goes without saying…”
*proceeds to say it*
Me: At the start of this year, I never could’ve guessed I’d be in debt to a raccoon
Friend: Animal Crossing is pretty fun though
Me: What’s Animal Crossing?
“How deep should we make the shelves in this shower wall?”
“Hmm.. deep enough to hold the shampoo, but shallow enough so that a rogue current of air could send the contents of the shelf plummeting onto the person’s toes while they shower.”
“Perfect.”
Dispatcher:
“The call is coming from inside the house!”Me, seconds from murdered:
“I have a landline?”
“I see you’ve got one drop of pee left in you. It would be a shame if something were to… show everyone.”
– Khaki pants