We can put a man on the moon but we can’t find a good way to drink wine from a lying down position.
People in Jersey say “you’re welcome” not to be polite but to remind people to say thank you.
The people who thought I could never pull off wearing a beret owe me an apology.
Hot singles in your area are eating chili.
My grandpa used to eat onion sandwiches so yeah he and my grandma slept in separate bedrooms.
My longest relationship has been with my Hotmail account.
My father just called me to tell me that my voicemail is full so no one can leave me a message and this is the best news I’ve had all week.
[yelling from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] anytime u want to talk about poor boundaries i’m ready
Kids today will never know the pressure of sending an email to ten other people OR THEY WILL DIE.
The dude who invented the flashlight got me through some dark times.
If I were a DJ I would just play true crime podcasts.
What if UFO’s are just Jeff Bezos type guys from other galaxies?
My father claims there’s nothing like being independent and yet he hasn’t washed a dish since 1975.
I think my invisible friend ate the last tin of cookies and drank all of the whiskey last evening and boy is she in trouble.
I was thirty five years old before I realized that a hamlet wasn’t an omelette with ham.