One time I had an MRI and the neurologist said I had a nice looking brain and every time I have a good idea I think of this.
Me: [in Airplane Mode] Don’t call me
Me: [in Airplane! Mode] Don’t call me Shirley
Cashier: the receipt is in the bag
Me: you too
[me at my dumbest texting my friend]: u left your phone at my house
everybody gangster til u put a spider in their plastic easter egg
The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.
I want to be able to sleep like the dude who had a horse head placed in his bed and didn’t even know it.
Ouiji boards are a little less intimidating knowing they’re from Hasbro.
I think parents should choose unisex names for their babies like Parsnip or Brisket.
Number of times my dog has puked on:
the tile floor: 0
the carpet: 3,290
I like my coffee like my men…not in my colon…
Underage me: pretends to be sick so I can sneak out window to go to a party
Older me: pretends to be sick so I don’t have to go to a party
Vin Diesel’s real first name is Vehicle Identification Number.
I believe that growing up watching Porky Pig cartoons have contributed to my lack of pants.
Don’t perform CPR because you never know when a giant alien spider is dressed in a human suit.