My ancestry DNA results came back: 100% German pancake batter
Spongebob would be more realistic if he had an abrasive side.
[During an interrogation]
Bad cop: That’s not gonna fly
Penguin cop: Seriosly? I’m right here
Scotch neat please
Umm…this is a Starbucks
*sigh
Ok a scotch “grande”
U know the 1960’s movie “The Birds” about an onslaught of thousands of flying creatures? That’s me when I open the Tupperware cabinet…
A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.
interview: problem solving skills?
me: i once fit 9 people into a 1986 Toyota Corolla
I think that as a reward for losing 200 lbs you should be able to use all of that loose skin to become a human version of a flying squirrel.
Urgent care waiting room is an oxymoron
Robert Downey Jr. will always be my hero, not because of Iron Man, but because he broke into someone’s home just to take a nap.
Sister: “Family shot time”
Me: “Whooo Hoooo….drink drink drink drink!”
Sister: [holds up camera]
“I want to take a picture”Me: oh
Milk crates are like a Swiss Army knife for the poor…
Need a stool? Milk crate!
A bookshelf? Milk crate! A side table? Two milk crates!
Half my family is Catholic, the other half Jewish, so when the tweet contest theme is “guilt” I pretty much have it in the bag.
As a baby I took my son Caden to the park. Other kids there were Aiden Jayden Brayden & Ben. The parents that named Ben should get an award.
I like how Angelina waited to divorce Brad Pitt until Jen got married. Well played Maleficent…well played…