Jesus “I will come back to judge the living and the dead”…. But until then, I’ll appear in dirty ceilings and toast”
It’s polite to hold a door open for a woman, but no one specified by how much
18 years old: let’s eat pizza at 1am and feel amazing
40 years old: I ate a chicken sandwich at 9pm and had heartburn for two days
The 90s were a glorious time because you were always surprised where Pizza Hut was going to hide more cheese
People don’t exchange taxidermy gifts as much anymore
If you take terrible vacations, it’s more exciting coming back home
The actors are getting so old in the Fast and Furious franchise, the next movie will be them stuck in a grocery store parking lot
How do i tell my physiotherapist that this isn’t an old sports injury but that time i did a coyote ugly dance at the bar and slipped off the table
Emails are always signed like, “thanks” or, “best regards”
I’m going to sign mine, “you’ll live to regret this”
While staying at hotels, I always ask for the oil stained parking lot view
Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving earlier than Americans because we’ve learned to space out forcible family get-togethers
I can’t wait when I’m old enough to blame my age on why I’m stealing batteries and cheese
Candles never taste the way they smell
Saw a truck with, “Hot Bob Express” written on the windshield. Im now concerned what Bob is delivering to people
If you hit an iceberg, you’ll know because Celine Dion will start playing