Today I tended my livestock (took the dog to the groomers), rescued wildlife (a turtle in the road), worked to put bread on the table (wrote shit copy for stupid clients), and then tilled my fields (spread mulch). Not braggin’, but I think I would have made a great pioneer wife.
Everyone at Thanksgiving table:
Me: Wait I thought you said bring a side piece
An OnlyFans but for bedtime stories.
My signature move is putting on my reading glasses when I don’t understand what the person in front of me is saying.
Sometimes I think I’m pretty smart, and other times I duck when planes fly by.
Neighbor: OMG your yard looks amazing
Me: thanks, I pee in it every Saturday night
Twitter is like Words With Sociopaths.
