My 2020 gratitude journal is written entirely in profanity.
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My fitness instructer keeps asking if I squat.
No Gary..I rent. I’m not a hobo.
U know the 1960’s movie “The Birds” about an onslaught of thousands of flying creatures? That’s me when I open the Tupperware cabinet…
*notice roommate’s tampon wrappers in bathroom garbage*
*hides all my chocolate*
Something about watching Catfish makes me wanna catfish someone so bad and I don’t think that’s what they’re going for
I’ve spent 8 hours cleaning my house!! Keep in mind that this is over a period of 25 years, but still.
The adult life I imagined as a child involved less laundry and more group dance numbers.
I just remembered the time I went on a first date to London Zoo and at the gate he asked if I would mind paying for my own ticket, which I said I would, at which point he pulled out a 2-for-1 voucher, so I paid for my ticket and he went in for free.
Me: You really can’t describe the thrill of the hunt until you’re in the thick of it. Exhilarating!
Cashier: Sir, those items are always buy one, get one free all year.
Are you sure you just saw 1 spider, or was it actually 1 spider + 500 spider babies on her back? Anyway, have a good day.
Meanwhile, a pug wearing an ugly Christmas sweater is having a doggy wedding in Central Park, while I can’t even get a girl to text me back
Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?
Because the rest were not-E.
Dolphins are cute and friendly, until you owe them money.
TWEET CALL
Thank you to 15k of you who followed me for one reason or another! Please share one tweet from you or a friend and please consider donating to this friend of mine. She is in a bad place and trying to get out, please share if you can ❤️
Dog: Uh oh. Gonna puke.
Cat: OK, what you wanna do is, keep walking. Puke every ten feet or so. Make sure you get under the bed.
I got really excited when she talked about a motorboat date, but as it turns out, she just wanted to take a ride on the lake. *sigh*
I’m afraid my neighbors are starting to notice that I can’t tell them apart but greet each of their dogs by name.
Daughter likes bananas.
Daughter likes banana bread.
Daughter won’t eat this banana bread because it tastes too much like bananas.
Parents who have allowed your
8 yr olds to become spoiled brats …We’ll check back in 10 years to see
how that worked out for you.
The human body is 98% water.
So I’m not fat,
Just well hydrated.
Before twitter I would walk into a room and forget what I went in there for.
Now, I don’t even walk into the right room
If the murder robots look like wall•e I will betray all of you
date: I come from old money
me: *waving around a quarter from 1955* this doing anything for you
[chameleon tries on pants in a dressing room]
Salesgirl outside the door: How do you look?
Chameleon looking in mirror: I have no idea
The Twelve Days According to Mom
12 stacks of laundry
11 dirty diapers
10 toddler tantrums
9 teenage eye rolls
8 unwashed bottles
7 errands to run
6 kids fighting
5 min sex life
4 mins to shower
3 broken nails
2 giant eye bags
1 tired mom
Hmm. Nissan Altima TV commercial boasts NASA inspired zero-gravity seats. But if you’re in zero gravity, you don’t need seats
wife: “remember when i said you were too friendly all the time?”
me: [making cup of tea] “no im not”
burglar: “two sugars please”
[god creating jellyfish]
how bout an evil bag
Everyone said the hamster catapult wasn’t appropriate for the science fair but no one could stop watching.
Scientist: The outside of your phone is the dirtiest thing in the world.
Me: Lol, you haven’t seen the inside.
Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?