Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets
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@ohheyohhihello : i've decided to start saying "moopy" instead of "movie" just subtly enough that people will silently question it but will never ask. i deserve this.
@ohheyohhihello: stop naming your babies James. name him Jame. he is one Jame.
@ohheyohhihello: what do we want???
when do we want it???
PEOPLE VERY RARELY SAY THEY WANT SOMETHING THAT THEY DON’T WANT IMMEDIATELY
@ohheyohhihello: SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I'D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT A DOG WHO FLIPS HOUSES
SE: -on your sandwich?
ME: FIXER PUPPER
@ohheyohhihello: This is it. This is the best headline.
@ohheyohhihello: Today I drove through a huge puddle that splashed up under my car and laughed to myself as I whispered, "car bidet."
@ohheyohhihello: [emptying spam]
ME: Why do I have so much canned meat?
@ohheyohhihello: BELLHOP: May I take care of your bags?
ME: Of course!
BELLHOP: [gently applies seven layers of concealer under my eyes]
@ohheyohhihello: I stole a friend's phone today and set it so it will autocorrect "I've" to "me've" and me'm really excited about it.