Our neighborhood watch is just dogs barking warnings every time they see a squirrel.
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My whole life I would put old bananas in the trash but when I got married I learned that first they go in the freezer to sit for a long time and then they go in the trash.
Never go to bed angry. Stay up and make sure they don’t sleep either.
[Jack Black’s birthday]
Oh wow..ANOTHER rock polisher, thanks grandma.
“How is Rock School going dear?”
It’s School of ro- *sigh* nevermind.
How is it that my kids can never find their own shoes but…
Easily find the one ice cream sandwich I hid behind the peas in the freezer.
I was always told that women can’t have it all but I just ate two everything babies.
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
So my mom suggested today that I use Twitter to find a boyfriend. I told her that only works if you’re already married.
Filled out so many forms at the x-ray clinic and now I’m afraid I might have applied to work here.
landlords thinking they deserve a tip is actually crazy
by age 35 you should hate at least 4 neighborhood kids
Just spent 5 minutes waving my hands in front of a manual paper towel dispenser if anyone needs someone to take their SAT exam for them.
One time in med school we had a lecture on the dangers of sleep deprivation and it was an Alanis Morissette level of irony that the lecture was at 7am.
People: Let us know if you need help!
Me: Okay I need help
People:
ME WATCHING ANY MARVEL MOVIE AFTER ENDGAME:
Wait, so society is expected to just carry on as if this insane collective trauma never happened? That’s ridiculous.ME IN 2022:
Oh.
Apparently you can’t sell your eggs if you’ve been diagnosed with depression so I guess none of these people want funny kids
A horror movie but the killer wears flip flops so there’s an ominous “thwip thwip” sound as he hunts you down.
[pulled over]
COP 1: any drugs or alcohol in the car?
ME: no
COP 2: told you he was a nerd
ME: nuh uh I have so much drugs
COP 1: lol gotcha
Sorry folks, Twitter’s broken. Moose out front should have told you.
I get it, mayonnaise. I am also disgusting yet liked by many.
How’s the parenting going over here?
My youngest just told my oldest to “GET IN THE DAMN CAR!”
I love it when all my iPhone apps tremble in fear when I’m about to delete one of them. Makes me feel like God.
[looking disappointed at the playboy mansion]
i was told there’d be bunnies
I don’t know which meme to get my news from today
Rocky is my favourite movie about beating meat
We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.
Him: Your hands are as soft as a turtle’s armpit!
Me: We have to breakup.
What rank in the military do you need to get to before they let you be fat?
[Weekend in NYC with my wife]
Wife: Did you know Comicon is in NYC this weekend?
Me walking out of bathroom in a Deadpool costume: No clue
No officer,YOU`RE going the wrong way.
What i said : I really like this song
What i meant : Shut your face for the next few minutes