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[Surprise party for girlfriend]
Me: *Leading her in blindfolded*
GF: Shouldn’t I be wearing that?
Guys I’ve run some math on it and this whole Santa business is truly bananas.
Interviewer: [extends arm] hello
Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello
*puts wine in cart*
*crosses “wine” off the list my wife gave me*
*puts more wine in cart*
*crosses “more wine” off the list my wife gave me*
[At job interview]
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job?
Me: Yeah, can I have it?
the process of buying a podcast mic in america needs to be made as or more difficult than buying a gun
I hum “Eye of the Tiger” when I have to stand-up from a low couch
[job interview]
“What would you say is your greatest strength?I’m pretty humble. Actually, I’m incredibly humble. Amaaaaazingly humble.
Love this one 😂🧟
I hated muffins until I was 17 & saw someone remove the wrapper on the bottom of a muffin before eating one. Prior to this, I thought it was just part of the muffin eating experience & would angrily eat muffin wrappers because… I just thought that I had to.
My wife and I are going to be super bummed if we don’t get a good grade on our daughter’s science fair project.
As a Dad, you always want your kids to be prepared for real life, that’s why trolling them is so vital.
The worst walk of shame is the one back onto the crowded elevator after getting out on the wrong floor.
It’s so annoying when they tell you to reset the modem like, do you think I would call you if I knew which one was the modem?
You could eat off my bedroom floor. It’s not clean, but it is sturdy enough to support most food.
I’ve licked everything so everything is mine now
~ toddlers
Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.
*Me, stepping out of a time machine with Pheidippides* : See, people now run marathons for fun
Pheidippides: Marathons… the unbearable 26 miles I ran desperately during war, after which I died?
Me: lol yeah people eat waffles after
friend: want to go swimming?
me: *eating biscuits and gravy* no
sneezy geese carry a honkerchief
He said: “Tell me Baby…am I your first?”
She said: “What? Like…today?”
I wish I could replace my central nervous system with a central confidence system.
[New Job Diary]
Day 1: They all seem very ni-SOMEONE TOOK MY LUNCH MY LUNCH IS GONE SOMEONE STOLE MY-oh wait nvm there it i-MY STAPLERS GONE
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me Google it.
*laptop blows away*Pretty close.
my problematically hot line cook found kittens in the parking lot and he had to drag me back inside because i’m now just sitting out there trying to feed them shrimp
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
[first day as a loan shark] I’ve got you down for 500 sharks
My teen daughter wants me to “hurry up” getting ready to go somewhere and ain’t this some karma
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
*asks if their dog can come out and play*
ME: [introducing my brother’s daughter whose name I’ve forgotten]
This is niece.