“Dad, can you explain the eclipse to me?”
“No sun.”
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My wife said she got a life insurance policy on me in case something tragic happened and I was like wow she thinks my death would be tragic!
Ken is short for chicken
This is your brain.
*holds up a brain*
And this is your brain on drugs.
*holds up a brain wearing a weird hat and a scarf*
We belong together like chocolate and strawberries, like burgers and fries, like laundry and exercise equipment.
In a restaurant if there’s a crying kid the parents don’t take outside, they got 10 minutes before I bread it, dip it, then eat it.
JUVENAL: Who watches the Watchmen?
ME: I did. It was good.
JUVENAL: No, you’re missing the point.
ME: Well I know there was a lot of subtext, but I think I understood it.
[arrives in heaven]
how’d you die?
me: i was sitting in a beanbag chair and my house caught on fire
restaurant owner: you start on monday
me: I can’t wait
restaurant owner: I don’t think this will work out then
Girlfriend: hey babe you wanna get breakfast and go for a run?
(Cut to me with a mouth full of Doritos)
Me: I have shin splints
[sexting]
HER: I want u so bad
ME: badly
HER: what?
ME: badly…not bad…it should be an adverb
HER: you don’t sext very good
ME: you mean I don’t sext very WELL
When a pig loses his leg, wouldn’t it be a hamputation?
what if we kissed on the garfield couch
[Safari hunt]
(Ok don’t tell them I’m an elephant)
*Adjusts hat and shades*
“Elephant?. Yes that way.”
*Points with trunk*
“I am the way and the truth and the life and the muthafuckin’ shizznit.” (Snoop 4:20).
You say you’re a stoner?
Name every stone then
“That’s one small step for man. That’s one open fridge for man. That’s one good sandwich for-”
“Neil! Stop.”
“I WALKED ON THE MOON, JANET”
Me, to all my kids before the age of 2.
“No screens allowed.”
On their 2nd birthday, handing over iPad.
“This is your mother now.”
don’t we all
I get so crabby when strangers waste my time which is unfair to them because I waste almost all of my own time to begin with.
son: why is my name jesus
dad: mom wanted to name u after a rolemodel
other son: &me?
dad: well Charizard the same reason but it was my turn
The crows are royally pissed off about something this morning and I’m thinking about flying up there and joining.
My 6-year-old: Why did you give money to that man?
Me: Some people don’t have a home or job & need help. We may not have a ton of money, but-
6: Is that because you keep giving it away??
When I withdrew cash from the ATM, it asked what denominations I wanted so I chose Baptist, Methodist and Presbyterian.
(Toy store)
ME: “Where do you keep the Schwarzenegger dolls?”
Clerk: “Aisle B, back”
I forgot my earphones this morning and for a moment I thought wouldn’t it be great if my audio book had subtitles
My dad just asked me if Nicki Minaj is claymation. Didn’t have an answer.
me: *hand on his shoulder* you can’t save everybody. just call time of death
doctor: you have a sprained ankle
1st child: you encourage creativity
2nd child: you encourage independent play
3rd child: you stifle all imagination to avoid a mess.
If someone says they’d “Like a word with you,” I can guarantee it’s way more than one word and you’re not going to like any of them.