The last time I danced at a party, someone told me I looked like a wildebeest on a frozen lake.
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Do your part as a parent by helping prevent teen pregnancy.
Let your child play the tuba.
Tuba players never get laid.
#rubbishjokes
Noah’s diary – 39th day:“The dragon pie was really scrumptious.”
Getting out of bed in the morning always gave me a headache until I tried it feet first.
The defense rests your honor.
*camera pans to defendant taking a nap*
Sorry I hit you with my car over and over… but you kept getting up.
You think if I tell my dad “30 is the new 20” he’ll start paying all my bills for me again like he did 10 years ago?
I’m going to sit here and wink at you. It’s going to be a very long wink. With both eyes. Please, by all means, go on with your story.
Mom Holds Knife To Throat Of Dinner Guest Who Offered To Help With Dishes
leaving hand sanitiser and a thermometer gun out for santa this year instead of milk and cookies
Will I still enjoy it if I haven’t seen Shepherd’s Pie 1-5?
It’s like campers and hikers don’t understand that nature will come to you if you just don’t mow the lawn.
My wife set up a spycam and found out my sons “speech impediment” was from 5 years of me talking to him in Borat voice while she was at work
A year ago I moved the silverware to a more convenient location in the kitchen, and every day for the last year I’ve been conveniently opening the wrong drawer.
In the future the only two jobs left are Uber driver and escape room planner.
It still pisses me off that a meteorologist doesn’t know what’s inside every meteor…
My most favourite thing to do at work is leave.
My wife banned iPads from my kids so my sweet angels stood in the hallway where they thought I couldn’t hear and whispered “Let’s ask dad because he always let us and then we can blame him when mommy asks”.
[phone rings in 1984]
“Eric get the phone”
Hello?
“Tell em I’m not home.”
She’s not home.
“Ask who it is.”
My mom wants to know who this is.
I managed to worm my way into this dancing competition
I support robot taxis. How else are robots supposed to get around?
I keep a set of 5 airtight canisters on my kitchen counter:
Flour, sugar, coffee, tea, rage.
Facebook’s forever reminding me about people’s birthdays like I sell cakes😒😒.
I held a baby today. I was scared it would make me want a baby, but it just made me want to be a baby.
End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face
ME: let me be frank
DAD: [eyes widen]
ME: and if you say hi Frank I’m dad, I’m gonna be real pissed
DAD: fair enough GonnaBeRealPissed
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get into and then out of the shower.
Sometimes you’re Godzilla, sometimes you’re Tokyo
I told the barista my name was “Britney Spears” just for giggles and he handed me my coffee with “annoying white girl” written on it instead
Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets
[job interview]
“So why do you want to be a jeweler?”ME(thinking about using that eye thing to appraise chicken nuggets): I love rubies