Eye drops falling everywhere except my eyes is why I have trust issues.
You Might Also Like
Hit 1,000 followers and a 100 star tweet on the same day! Do you know what that means?!
900 of you don’t read my shit.
Yes, I’m at the gym, but I also have donut crumbs on my shirt because BALANCE.
Hey boy, are you a pepper? Because you give me indigestion but I still want to get jalapeño business.
The worst is when you eat onions and then your fingers smell like onions and your breath smells like onions and you turn to your left and your dog has turned into an onion and you look out the window and the moon is an onion. Everything is onion now. Everything.
This is my last day in my 30s. Please send thoughts and prayers… or money. That helps too.
Me: Back to school tomorrow! Everyone ready?
14: Yeah, let me check if I have any homework.
He’s been off for 17 days.
where it all went wrong:
“of course i know where we’re going”
Thought a guy on a bicycle was doing a fist pump so I almost did one back until I realized he was just really enthusiastic about turning right
him: hey have you ever seen house
her: house?
him: yeah like doctor house
me, walking by: [helpfully] it’s called a hospital
Someone needs to break it to my cat that she is not a security guard and my bathroom is not a VIP section.
Airport prices are crazy. 5 billion dollars? For an airport?
The problem w marriage is communication. When I said I hoped he’d go down in a plane I meant more crash & burn, less on the flight attendant
I choose toothpaste NOT recommended by dentists… those sneaky tooth-fiddlers have a lot to gain from promoting one that doesn’t work.
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy Derek charge his wife for martinis
I would marry Christopher Walken just so I could listen to him talk and regret it three months in.
[movie theater]
*reaches into wife’s purse*
*pulls out lasagna*
me: Told you it’d work
{Talking to my friend who just had twins}
HIM: It’s so much harder than just having one!
ME: Well sure, cuz you have to decide which will be the control and which will be the experimental.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
*removing hair clog from drain*
Well wookiee here
My 19 year old just asked me if she could have a beer and for support she said, “Does it really matter at this point? My college semester is over. You turned my room into a closet. You won’t let me leave the house. My life sucks. For the love of God let me have a drink woman.”
Sharing a streaming account with someone who doesn’t have their own profile is like gaslighting yourself.
“I don’t remember watching this”
SS: Yes you did. See right here? That’s where you stopped watching.
“You sure? I really don’t remember watching this”
[Everyday]
Me: The kids have been fighting for the last 10 minutes. You know what that means?
Hubs: what?
Me: that they have only been home for 10 minutes.
spicy snake
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening presents]
I painted a hot chick with big jugs
If you had a choice between owning a dragon or world peace, what would you name your dragon?
I just broke a mirror disco ball, I’m not looking forward to my 5,600 years of bad luck
Yeah, I’m allergic to wheat, but I really like it so I eat it anyway. I’m a real gluten for punishment.
The Flintstones will forever live on in our hearts and vitamins