[seeing a picture of myself]
Revolting. Burn it
[hearing a recording of my voice]
Awful. Grating
[seeing my tweets]
Genius. A blessing to this world
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The cat seems really pissed off. He must have only had 22 hours sleep.
Guest in disgust:
This tastes like feet!Host: Dammit Eloise! What have I told you about substituting ingredients in recipes?
– cannibal dinner party
Waking up on Friday thinking it is Saturday is like getting a fake ID and learning it’s expired.
Not to brag but I can keep up with the fast part of the chicken dance…
*looks left*
*looks right*
*tosses tree branch over neighbor’s fence*
[in car]
Wife: Dont tell ur arm story
Me: Im gonna stick to humorous stories 2nite babe
*at party*
AND THAT’S WHEN MY HUMOROUS BROKE IN HALF
5: water poops dirt
me: only bodies poop
5: you said the lake is a body of water
me: well looks like you’re ready to move out & make it on your own
How do you say “bra” in German? Stopsemfromfloppin
*guy acts like he’s gonna punch me*
GUY: HA! You flinched
ME: yes because I thought you were going to punch me. If you actually punched me I would have been more protected. You see, evolutionarily speaking, the flinchers would have outlived those wh-
GUY: *actually punches me*
Rain chat:
“Did you hear the rain last night?”
“Yeah it kept me awake”
“Same! What time did you get to sleep?”
“I’m not sure. When did you?”
“About three I think but then it woke me up again”
“Same. I even went downstairs at one point”
“Yeah I should’ve done that”
*Werewolves spot a group of teens smoking pot around a campfire*
Werewolf 1: Edibles!
Y’all: “I’m tryna lose weight, i’m about to eat salad”
The Salad:
When the hotdog gets placed in the bun, does it think it’s going canoeing
Forget a alarm clock just give me the smell of bacon and coffee
Sometimes I want to kidnap a few woman for two to three weeks so that their eyebrows can grow without fear
do you think when firefighters blow out their birthday candles it’s just like more work to them
Just blew pot smoke on the huge spider hiding in my shower. I figure if I do this a few more times, he’ll be too stoned to attack me.
I often think if I’d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.
And then I heard my mother’s voice come out of my mouth like a demonic possession, “Get your hands off my breakable ornaments!”
The man that loves to eat on a lounger by the pool is a manipooleater
Her: Tell me what you want
Me: A burrito
Her: No!! Tell me what you want in bed
Me: Oh! *gets in bed* a burrito
The wife’s clearing out the fridge before vacation so I’ve a pork chop, 3 slices of ham and 6 bacon rashers for dinner. The sad thing is knowing I can never again love her as intensely as I do right now.
I’m on the steak diet. You just have four steaks for breakfast, four for lunch, then a sensible dinner of six steaks.
Reason 5,746 why parents drink- my kids are fighting over whose horse is going faster on the same merry-go-round
When I screwed up at age 9, my mom told me to “think about what you’ve done wrong” and I’ve pretty much never stopped
The game has officially changed 😎
How to test a responsive website for various screen sizes via @aghoshb
Pros of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Cons of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
“I < 3 You” means I’m smaller than 3 of you.