Me: Air
Her: Tornado
Me: …
Me: Now you’re just twisting my words around.
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every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything in the house
– cook 3-19 hours on low
me: I need to speak with the megaster
megachurch pastor: we’re still called ministers
After taking a bunch of 7-year-olds on a field trip to the Natural History Museum, I realized their favorite exhibit was “Elevator Buttons.”
I better not wake up later and find out stuff is still happening.
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
[inventing the toaster]
engineer: Ok it burns the bread if you put it at 4
chief engineer: perfect. Make it go up to 8
When my girl was five I was reading to her from a little book about George Washington.
Me: As a boy he liked to ride horses and fish.
Her: He liked to ride fish?!
It’s been nine years but in my mind he’s still riding that big beautiful fish.
What’s the matter, babe?
You haven’t touched any of your Shrekfast.
Common crooks Rob banks. Classy thieves Robert banks.
What is your favorite movie about juice from a beetle?
They banned trick or treating this year so I’ll just be sitting on my porch handing out bad advice to anyone who walks by.
Young MacDonald had a farm,
Heavy GMO.
The corn’s pest-free but side effects,
Are more or less unknown.
Airports have the right idea. If you’re gonna stress people out, at least give them bookstores, coffee, cocktails, and let them wear sweatpants. It’s only fair.
reading rob zombie’s name is a real wild ride. at first you’re like “rob? ok, i know what we’re dealing with here”. then things get weird
“I need a woman like you in my life”
Aww thanks, I hope you find her lol
*waits for you to fall asleep*
*rolls out from under your bed*
*moisturizes your knees and elbows*
[first date]
Him: I used to have a lazy eye but I had corrective surgery.
Me [trying to impress]: My entire body’s lazy.
I need a man who talks as fast as Kevin Hart. I got shit to do.
A group of wild dads just ran into my back yard, built a shed, filled it with tools and told me not to touch any of them or I’d be grounded.
If I owned a roofing business, I’d call it What in Tar Nation or We’ve Got Shingles or We’re Not Eavesdropping or We Are the Leaders or We Gotchu Covered or
I don’t think you’re a bad person. I just think you’re immature and lack intelligence. Hope that helps!
Me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
2-year-old: An eagle!
I’m going to save so much money on college.
Post nuclear war:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishment remains.My refrigerator after a 14 year old boy comes home from school:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishm—
If you ask me where your glasses are, and they’re on your head, I will help you look for them forever.
The best part of being old for the holidays? Nobody bats an eye when you ‘randomly fall asleep’ in the middle of a conversation.
Cell Phone Manufacturers: We’re gonna release a brand new more advanced model.
Apple: We’re gonna release this shit in White. WHITE.
As parents we have to make sacrifices all the time. Today I had to eat my kid’s ice cream because she couldn’t finish it.
I asked my husband if I’m the only one he’s been with. He said yes, the others were all nines and tens.
Send bail money.
not taking the vaccine in case there’s a U2 album in it
Coworker: will I be seeing you at the office ugly sweater party?
Me: no, I’m not ugly