Just read that the average woman goes on 7 diets in her lifetime and I was like “wtf” because I’ve been on 7 diets since lunch.
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8yo: Did you know they used to have computer mouses that had wires? I don’t even know how you could use those
Me: To strangle your coworkers
8yo: What?
Me: Huh?
Just waiting to hear those three special words… “there’s no evidence.”
I don’t want to brag but I’ve already started my holiday weight gain.
[Shipwreck diary]
Day 1: Luckily the ship has enough food for 3 months. Longer if I ration well.
Day 2: I am out of food.
Oh, you love classic literature? Then name every ingredient in Corn Flakes, I’ll wait.
A movie so damn long that you’re called for a Covid booster shot halfway through it.
Feeling a little guilty about looking for a new laptop on my laptop.
My neighbour has had this pair of shoes outside their flat for the last 2 weeks. Yesterday I moved one of the shoes to the left side of the door. This morning that shoe is now on the right. I think we’re now playing some sort of ‘Shoe Chess’ and it’s thrilling.
The second cup of coffee does for me what a can of spinach does for Popeye.
I only took my daughter to work with me once when she was little.
She cried cos she was expecting to see all the clowns I said I worked with.
*brings only yellow Starbursts for the office candy jar*
Watching horror movies has convinced me that answering a phone never ends well for anyone.
me: I want to travel to the victorian era & meet a real gentleman [takes time machine back to 1860 England]
man: 31? what are u my grandma?
Yes opposites attract, my husband dunks basketballs and I dunk donuts.
Me: I’m terrible at fractions
Also me, at work: In another 23 minutes I’ll be 64/73rds through the day
PSA: wild animals do not know to look away from the eclipse. Bring all them inside during it. Birds, raccoons, fox..all of em
Not saying I deserve a gold medal in parenting, but it’s 4:47 PM and my 4yo just yelled “FINE THEN, I’M GOING TO BED!” So you be the judge.
A Toyota Prius tried to race me at a stop sign. I totally had it for the first 100ft, but I can only walk so fast
This is what makes twitter great
Overheard:
5yo : you think I’m ugly
6yo: a little bit yes, but mostly no
*undercover cop knocks* Hi fill out this survey to win a free IPad!
1. name
2. address
3. email
4. where are drugs
*mustache falls off*
‘can you smell what the Lord is cookin?’
– Christian Rock
May just keep repeating the phrase “YOU DO YOU” to my coworkers until one of them sucker punches me.
Stop me if you’ve heard this one
Daddy I’m full
Ok, but the kitchen is closed for the night
(after cleaning up dinner)
Daddy I’m hungry
Why do some people call it a “tuna-fish” sandwich? It’s not like anyone calls it a “chicken-bird” sandwich.
There are two types of people in this world:
1)People who tried to move an object with their mind at least once
2)Liars
[My cooking show]
Me: Today we’ll be roasting a pig. Kevin, come on up.
Kevin: *crying*
Me: *finishes up dinner date*
Me: *sits down at new table* Sorry I’m late, traffic was awful
Her: …you were literally sitting at the table right next to this one
[10,000 BC]
Primary cause of death: Eaten[Now]
Primary cause of death: Eating
There’s something twisted about being woken up at 5 am by a child who wants to congratulate you for “being a good sleeper”